To the Beginning

It was a Monday, I was going about my normal business (watching TV on my boyfriends flatscreen and playing with the puppies) when I got the phone call that changed the course of my life. The doctor told me that I had Cancer. But before I get into that I should start from the beginning. Bear with me, as this may be somewhat long, but it is important for me to express all of my life's trial's in order to understand where I am and who I am today. If I happen to pass away, this is the legacy I wan't to leave behind, the memories I want to share with those I love, have loved, and will continue to love forever. If you wish to skip to the next blog, that is perfectly fine with me, but to know me, you need to know all of me. So here it begins...

I was born on January 31st, 1990. 10 days later than I should have, because like my Mom, I was always a stubborn brat. I was a tiny little thing, and the doctors wanted to make sure I grew a bit more (I had to wear doll clothes when I was first born, because they didn't make clothes in my size) I honestly can't remember much about my childhood before 4, other than a few important friends I had made in Wichita, Kansas. I remember playing a game that my friend Janet and I had come up with that if memory serves me right we called "Monsters" where we would duck under the window or the bed every time we saw a car drive by below in the parking lot of the apartment complex Janet lived at. My Dad was in the Air Force at the time and around my 5th birthday we moved to Phoenix, Arizona. Honestly those year's flew by so fast I can hardly remember them, but I do remember hating Arizona with a passion ever since we moved there. I didn't like (And to this day do not like) the brown, dry atmosphere of the desert. It's depressing to me, as I am more of a person who enjoys the green scene. When I was younger, I had a very strong leader personality type. I had many, and I mean many friends, all of whom were very important to me. The problem with this is that it made me "somewhat" of a little brat. (More like a hell lot) But I can't discount the fact that I had a few friends that were closer to me than the others. The first person I can remember was Sarah, but my memories of our friendship are far away as she moved a few years later (Her Dad was military as well if memory serves me right). Then there were my friends from the "K-Crew" (or Korean-Crew) as we occasionally refer to now that we are older. I was closest to Jessica when we were younger, we were almost inseparable, but then she had to move away (As her Dad was also military) Now she is older and happily married in Utah. Then there were the ones who held the group together, Gloria, Grace and Daniel. Grace was the oldest, and often times the one I related to the most when growing up. She is sweet and has always been there for me, as was Gloria, but she was always the shy one when we were younger. Both of them gave me so much advice growing up, both in God and in other aspects. I found myself often jealous when they had other friends, as a child, but that was part of growing up. Then there was Daniel, and his group of the guys James and Dale. Oh I could talk horribly about how they teased me growing up, but without them I wouldn't have had much of a backbone when it came to guys. I distinctly remember when we were fascinated by Pokemon, that I was tricked into trading my Venusaur card for a Gyarados card, later did I realize that the trade was definitely not worth it. (I believe I eventually got the card back) If not for those group of boys, I don't think I would have become so fascinated with video games. Smash brothers, Mario Cart, Pong, and Tomb Raider were big aspects of my childhood life. There was also Janice, the younger sister of James, growing up I don't think we liked each other that much as kids, but Janice was very reserved and quiet to me when we were younger. Now she is a beautiful young lady, and we sometimes talk. Later on came little Jessica, Harnaie, and her little sister. Boy have they grown up! It's sometimes hard to believe it was so long ago, it feels almost like it was just yesterday. Then there was the other spectrum of friends that I had growing up, there was Ashley (Boy did we have lots of adventures!) Jennifer (To this day I don't know where she is located as we lost touch, and I do miss her), Alicia, Ayla, and many others. They had held all of my greatest and best memories growing up, my happiest years if memory serves me correct.

Then there were the crushes, Bobby who I crushed on as a child before moving away (I swore I'd marry him someday, low and behold it would be a Bobby but NOT that one), and Ryan. Ryan was a pretty good friend growing up, one I swear I would never like because of his constant teasing of me, but eventually while walking home one afternoon he wore these dorky glasses, and instantly I had a crush. Something about those glasses I think. Then there was John, well John came before Ryan, and he was more than just a crush. I swore that I loved the guy, at the time, looking back I just realize it was puppy love. None of these guys I dated, just pursued and was told no. Ryan gave me the honor of my first real slow dance, I was stunned that he accepted to dance with me, and it was a very happy moment in my life. (So thanks Ryan)

Then there came my first boyfriend Jimmy (or James), he was a sweetheart, and really cared for me even though he had a tough time expressing it sometimes (boy could he kiss). What eventually led to our break up was solely on me, I was getting annoyed with him at every moment, I had a tough time with his sarcasm (I eventually, finally got over this block with sarcasm) But it has becomes one of my regrets in life, however it is one that I would not change. I did love him at the time, and I should have pursued the chance to grow together. I did not, and our lives took different paths, possibly for the better in both cases. He is a very intellectual man now with a bright future ahead of him, and we very often talk. He gives me good food for thought, not "Advice", and is a well respected and great friend in my life today. Without him as a close friend, I don't think I would have been able to get by in some tough times. Then there was David, my long distance relationship. David was a total sweetheart when we were dating, the kindest one in the four guys of my relationship life. He spoiled me often, and I treated him poorly. I regret that, I sometimes feel like I tarnished his soul. Still I would not have changed anything about it. Eventually I broke it off, the long distance was killing me and truth be told I had gradually lost my feelings for him over the time. We still occasionally talk, but he has become a very sarcastic bastard (hah! :) Although he is still very caring, and I suspect always will be a silly, funny and sweet guy). Then there came Mackenzie, but I won’t speak of him just yet as he had a huge impact on my life, that changed me as a person for the better.

What I wanted to talk about next were my best friends, the two people I loved the most in the whole world growing up. I still love them very dearly but our friendship is tattered from the course of time. When we fell apart I was shattered, heartbroken and at a point of despair. I later realized though that without the fallout half of the things I needed to experience would never have happened. I only regret never telling one of them to stay away from a guy who I felt ruined her sanity, her childhood. If I could change that one thing in my life, it would be to tell her to stay far away from him. But without him she would never have created her beautiful baby boy, and for that the past cannot be changed, no matter how grim the outcome. My girlfriend’s names are Stephanie and Melanie. I had always been closest to Melanie growing up, but when the three of us became friends I was an intruder. This was in 6^th grade, when I had met the two of them officially. Stephanie and Melanie had been inseparable best friends long before I came into the picture, and there were often times fights between us, stronger as we got older. (Most I think were my fault) Stephanie had told me before that she did not like my intrusion on the friendship, but she later came to realize and tell me that she was wrong in thinking that way because all I had ever done was treat her with friendship and love. It was all I ever wanted with the two of them. As we got older and our friendship got stronger, we believed to be inseparable. That was where we were wrong, because along with growing up, different aspects of life started to pour in. The one thing that broke us we’re the men in our lives. I had once believed, and I think Stephanie might have as well, that I would be the one to leave the friendship for a guy. Imagine our shock when it was Melanie, the one who held our group together like glue. This happened around the time we were 16, after a horrible break up with her ex, she landed in the arms of her current/former husband. At the time we thought he was the best thing to happen to her, in hindsight we think he was the worst. We drifted, she spending all her time with him, often flaking out on plans we made to try and stick together. If it wasn’t that, it was him tagging along with her to every place we went. I still saw this habit even later when we had an attempt at rekindling the friendship. This was something that we couldn’t stand; we felt she had no privacy, no self-reliance that she couldn’t say no to him. It wasn’t the Melanie I remembered, or loved. But I tried my hardest to hold onto her, I did not want our friendship to end, but there came a breaking point. Several times. She often tells me now that back then she had no confidence; she could never stand up for herself with anyone. I think back at those times, and remember that it was often true, however when it came to me she always stood her ground, she asked for help when she couldn’t. That to me was brave, because being brave sometimes requires you to ask for help, when you can’t face your fears alone. I realize that more now than ever. I am not going to lie and say that the guy didn’t give her some form of bravery, an ability to stand up for herself more now than ever. Eventually our conversations got shorter as did our friendship our senior year of high school. I was busy going to community college my senior year and was never on campus, due to the dual enrollment program I was in. Stephanie was my rock and my center, as the other friends we had made did not think fondly of me due to something I had done in the past, and definitely regret to this day. If I could take it back, I sincerely would. Sorry for slapping you Jacob, my old woman chivalry way of thinking back then was a bit naïve and snobbish. I am sure that the whole downfall of our friendship was hardest on Stephanie, it took her years just to get over it, dragging into our friendship in college. That’s when she and I had our fallout, it was entering into my second year of college and she told me around her birthday that she no longer wished to be my friend. I was heartbroken and devastated, because at that point she was my last true friend I had at the time, other than my then boyfriend. I wanted so desperately to reach to her and beg her not to leave, but my boyfriend at the time took away my phone and told me not to do it. I remember him throwing it in the backseat of my car at the parking lot at the movie theater, I had gotten pissed at him, but he had told me that there was no point in trying to get someone’s friendship back who wanted nothing to do with me. Stephanie later told me that this was wrong, that I should have reached out to her, but she also thanks him because if I had she would not have had her opportunity to grow up and to realize all that I had been to her. By this time Melanie had gotten married, and moved to Illinois. We rarely talked, as she was busy with her life and I with mine. I felt completely alone, with only Mackenzie to lean on.

This is where his story comes into play, I met Mackenzie on my very first day of college at Art School. I remember distinctly that morning what had brought my attention to him. We were all asked a question in class whether or not we believed in God. Most people chose not to raise their hands in either direction, while a few (myself included) raised our hands stating we believed. Mackenzie was, possibly the only one who raised his hand saying he didn’t. He was questioned on this, and responded rationally. He was average height (tall to me), with curly sandy blonde hair matted down with gel. He wasn’t my biggest pick on the handsome guys in the room, but he intrigued me in a way the others didn’t. We ended up working on a homework assignment together, and shared our first kiss. A few weeks later, after a pool party at Stephanie’s place (and endless swimming with him never letting me leave his arms) he asked me out at midnight to be his girlfriend, stating “I never kiss a girl I am not dating” I gladly accepted. But only two weeks into our relationship, I felt I wasn’t ready for another relationship as I had broken off with David a few months prior and had wanted to find myself and my independence. I ended up breaking it off with him, he was upset and didn’t understand why, but told me that he would wait for me no matter what as he had felt I was the one for him. We ended up staying friends for the three months we remained separated, those three months were the worst. He annoyed me worse than James ever had, and I could never figure out why. Finally I realized why he annoyed me, I liked him too much and it annoyed me that I had given up so quickly because I was afraid. I was afraid to fall in love, and get hurt. But when I realized this I told him I wanted to get back together. This was on October 6^th, when we officially got back together as a couple. I fell hard, and even harder when my last friend left me. I became dependent on Mackenzie, so dependent that I couldn’t make other friends, didn’t want to because I was afraid they would hurt me the same way. I later realized this was a big mistake, as it pushed him away from me. He wasn’t the only thing I needed in my life at the time. I was insecure after everything that had happened, even more insecure when I had found out he was still talking to his ex from high school. An ex that wanted him back, and made fun of me when he wasn’t looking. But he told me he couldn’t abandon his friendship with her, and he didn’t until later on, just to spare my feelings. With him I was jealous, every girl that came into his life I thought wanted a piece of him. I was afraid at any moment he would leave me. I held on too tightly to realize that I was squeezing him from my arms, I wasn’t giving him room to breathe. He was the first guy and I had thought the last guy that I would share an intimate moment with, one that I probably shouldn’t have done, but did. It helped me to grow up a bit realizing what I had done, and realizing that the world didn’t work the way I thought it did. That no one can stay innocent forever. We argued, often, because of my insecurities and distrust in him. But not all of our relationship was bad, we had many good memories together. Trips to visit his eldest sister in California, his parents, youngest sister and brother in the upper region of Arizona. His family was and still is very important to me, they are among the kindest, sweetest people that I have had the privilege of meeting. There were tough times, especially now, that I don’t think I would have been able to face if not for their wisdom, and kindness. They are great friends that I have in my life, and I will always greatly appreciate what they have done for me. In December of 2010, two weeks before my graduation he and I had a huge fight. This fight led over into the course of three days, escalating so badly the third day that I admit to having done something stupid. That’s when he decided I was no longer someone he wanted in his life. I had been so blinded by my insecurities, rage, and unhappiness that over time I had lost the one thing at the time I loved the most. The one person I never wanted to lose, because I relied on him so much. The break-up was devastating, so devastating that I couldn’t eat or sleep for weeks. (I now have creases between my eyebrows, due to when I could sleep, I slept in pain). In that course of time, I tried desperately to get him back, something I admit was pathetic. I had a tough time trying to get my finals finished because all I wanted to do was sleep and cry. If it wasn't for a few classmates (Ginger, Matt, Scott, Nick, Maria, Kristen and Kyra) as well as a few other friends (Eli, Keith, Bellamy, Emi and Katie) I don't really know how I could've pulled through it. Each one had their own perspective and experience that brought new light to my troubled mind. When I realized that no matter what I did would never get him back to me, I took the hard path to healing. I decided to end our friendship, or what was left of it. He was pissed, I don’t think I could’ve ever explained to him that I needed the time away to heal. That I needed the distance from him, otherwise I would have kept on being desperate, I would have kept on loving him until I was an empty shell of nothing. I took the time to heal in S. Korea, with my family and loved ones I don’t get to see often. When I returned I was still desperate for him, but the blow was lessened. I was no longer thinking often of suicide, or death, I was beginning to think about myself and that I could heal and move on from this. I decided to take up an opportunity in Los Angeles with a PR firm to help me further along with my healing. I felt if I stayed in Arizona the memories would eventually lead me back down, seeing that room that he lived in for so long everyday wore me out. I remember missing him so much that I would cry my heart out on the floor. It was a very pathetic and desperate time for me. So when I moved to California, things began to look brighter, until my car accident that ended up totaling my car leaving me to rely on the metro bus system for three months. I almost relapsed and attempted to contact him, but Maria, whom I was never close previously, stuck by my side and told me not to do it. She held me together along with my friends Kenny and James, among a few others who encouraged me to keep going. I learned so much from my 3 months’ time in California, I learned independence, and self-reliance. I learned how to stand up for myself and how the working world works, I learned how to party (something I never thought I’d do), how to be outgoing and fun. I learned how to live for myself and no one else, and to be strong and confident. I learned how to be patient, to meditate when I was angry or upset, and to go with life's flow as best as I could. I learned, later that if he hadn’t left me I would have never taken this path and I would never have gotten to where I am today. I would have never found who I am with today, and I would never have had this opportunity to find true selfless love. And for that I am grateful to Mackenzie, even though I may never be able to tell him that. 

After a while I contemplated on joining the Air Force, I returned to Arizona and was in processing. During this I had been offered a job at THQ. It was the best change of my life that I didn’t realize until much later, something that I am so grateful for, words cannot even describe it. I decided to end processing for the Air Force and stay with THQ, I made many friends who I should have probably made friendships with in college. There was Carl, the Stephanie’s, Baker, DJ, Luis, Matt and many more. My experience with THQ was fun and amazing for my first paid job. It was full of happiness and laughter and amazing memories. And then, a year and half after the breakup he came into my life through a co-worker of mine. A joy that I cannot express with just words, someone so important to me I wouldn’t even realize just how important until I was diagnosed with Cancer. So thanks James for introducing us!

His name is Bobby, we met one day when taking a hike up Camelback Mountain. He was a friend of James, who was going to show us the way up the mountain. My first reaction was being shy. He was handsome, in a cowboy sort of sense with his brown hair, light blue eyes, white shirt, red hat and jeans. He caught my attention immediately when he decided to be a daredevil and climb up the steep slope that people rarely tread on Camelback. I was ready in hand asking James if he knew Bobby’s girlfriends number or even his parents. (Bobby didn’t have a girlfriend) I’m still not so sure to this day if that was the first day Bobby had noticed me, but he definitely did the second time we went hiking. I flashed him on accident twice. First my jeans ripped in the back, and then the second time a bug flew into my bra and, without realizing he was watching, I leaned over to try and get it out. I was so embarrassed, and apparently so was he judging by his bright red face. He took notice that I was afraid of heights when both he and Stephachu (friend from work) were practically dragging me up the slope of the mountain, and that was how our first date started off. I played coy when he asked me out figuring that he wasn’t really interested in me and was just being a nice guy. Our first date was at a rock climbing gym, boy was that fun but nerve wracking. We ended the date at the tempe market place with ice cream and letting him talk all about himself. (At the time I figured let the guy talk the first date, then explain yourself on the second). At that point on it was bliss, he was a real gentleman. The second date we went to the movies and I decided to dress up nicely, show my feminine side. That’s when we had our first kiss, and I knew I was in for a long journey with this one. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I later found out that he was diabetic. Type 1 diabetes, which has me worried about him a lot as I don’t want him to die so early. Bobby is about 2-3 years older than me (depending on the year). When we met he was 25 and I was 22, but age didn’t really matter much to either of us at that point. We only went out on a few dates, as with the many dates I had previously in the year and a half being single, I took caution to see where he stood before making our relationship official. I remember that night pretty well, I had gone out to a co-workers house party, and being still around that young drinking experimental age I ended up drinking more than what I wanted. This entire time he had been texting me, making sure I was okay and that I was being watched (and later learned secretly protected) by James. (Which wasn't necessary) Since he couldn't be there himself as his folks were in town that week. I remember that night spilling out my fears to him, stating that I really liked him and was afraid that it wouldn't lead anywhere. He texted me back with a reply that stopped my heart, he told me he had a secret, and that secret was that he really liked me too and thought we should make our relationship official. He has no idea how giddy I was after that. (I think Stephachu can attest to my giddiness). As with our work schedule, dates were limited, and so was our time seeing each other. We often texted nonstop asking about each others lives and different questions (as every relationship starts out) and found out that we had a lot in common. (I saved our entire text conversations, because I like to re-read them and reminisce about how we first started out). As our relationship grew, so did the conversations about a future together. This time I was not the one to bring it up (Although I was the one to say I love you first, accidentally! But he reassured me by saying I love you too.) I was surprised that he was the one actually asking me about kids and marriage! It was a shock, because in every other relationship I have ever had I had been the one to bring the topic up. Here I was baffled with this man, who actually genuinely wanted a future with me. (I’m still baffled to this day) As time grew on, I met his folks, his sister and the rest of his family. They are absolutely wonderful, so supportive of each other, and they can definitely tease each other to no end! It was the type of family I imagined wanting for myself someday. It felt right, and so did my relationship with him. We hit rocky times here and there, but each time we made it through the bouts. He is someone who loves selflessly and endlessly, and goes to great strengths to show it. He has done nothing but treat me with honesty, respect, dignity and the love I have always wanted and deserve even if I tell myself I don’t. Without him, I realize I wouldn’t be able to make it through this tough time, or any tough time. He holds me together more than he even knows it himself. And I know, it shouldn’t be that way that I should be dependent on myself. But that’s just how much he means to me. Without him I fear for my own future, he makes me a stronger better person than I ever was. I love him so much, and my parents love him as well more so than I have ever seen them love anyone else in my life. Especially my Dad. It’s a shock how well they get along and how much they have in common. (I mean they go camping and fishing together without me!) Bobby has no idea how important he is to my life, but someday I hope he does. I probably don't tell him that enough, but he truly means everything to me. (Next to my parents and God that is!) Sometimes I do take him for granted, mainly because I am trying my hardest not to slip to my old self, become too clingy and hold him too tightly. And so I often forget to tell him how much what he does means to me. (But when I do tell him he's usually in shock, and it makes him very happy, or suspicious that I am up to something!) We both need our space and our own time after all! We're not attached at the hip 24/7! Which has allowed us to grow even more as a couple. (Although right now I wish we were attached at the hip 24/7) We celebrated our one year anniversary on February 6th at the restaurant The Melting Pot (Amazing fondue) I was hoping for a proposal at this time, but to my not entirely surprised expectations, we just happily celebrated the day we met. I guess I was just a bit jealous over the fact that his best friend Zach had proposed to Kacie (a good friend) the month previously and they had been dating less than we had. But as Bobby has explained to me, he want's to make sure we are ready and not rushing into it, to take our time as a regular couple before journeying into a married couple. Sometimes I forget about this, because my want to always be with him and be there for him overwhelm me and my fears of losing him bubble up. But in my heart I know that he would never leave, as he has assured me many times that I am stuck with him even after we die (We'll be meeting by the diet mountain dew fountain and puppy ball pit) And he has proven time and time again, that he has every intention of sticking around. On Valentine's day Bobby bought me a promise ring, a beautiful heart shaped aquamarine white gold ring that I wear around my neck everyday on a necklace his mother bought for me (Except lately due to all the surgeries I've been having) I'm still waiting on that proposal, (Like any girl would!) but I am waiting on Bobby's terms, as he wants the right "moment" for it. Sometimes this makes me a bit edgy, because our time is limited. Possibly now more than before, with him being Diabetic and I now having cancer. I pray that we both make it to at least 80, but neither of us can see into the future. I would propose to him myself, but we're both old fashioned in those terms. So I have to learn to be patient with this, because the second he told me he wanted to marry and started talking about the wedding and future, off raced my mind. (And it's a pain to shut off! I warned him of that!) I try to take the steps now not to think about it, so I don't end up pestering him when the big day is (I shouldn't know when the big day is!) But occasionally I will slip up, when the fear of one of us passing away before that can ever happen slips into my thoughts. Just the thought of being his wife makes me extremely happy, spending the days together and growing old. It's something I can actually see happening and hold on to for strength. But this future often makes me forget the present, and the present is what should count. I've come to realize this, and attempt to cherish each day with him like it's our last. Often times we see an old couple while we are out, and point stating "look see that couple there? That's looking into the future, that's going to be us" (Bobby is the one who often says this the most) It's the little things like that, that make me realize I am very lucky to be with the man I have now, and how important it is to cherish him every day of my life.

This is the story that leads all up to when I found out I had Breast Cancer…