Day 6

So day 6 of chemo. I'm starting to feel much better in terms of nausea. This morning wasn't so great, and I ended up calling in sick to work thanks to a bad headache, fatigue and a bit of nausea. But luckily as the day has progressed I've gotten better. Problem is with the nausea is anything can cause it at any second. My body odor is definitely one of them. With Chemo your body chemical odor changes, so rather than the somewhat pleasant smell you've become accustomed to, it's a nasty putrid chemical smell. Mix that in with my natural lemongrass deodorant overtime and it makes me feel sick.. I think I almost knocked Bobby out yesterday after a couple hours after washing. (That's shocking) Chemo is not fun. I would not advise it on anyone unless you 100% need it. It doesn't help my emotions are a bit off today too. Not so much as the other day but I am a little sad. It seems like all my friends have gone off to comicon today (including Bobby himself) which I mean I told him to go without me since I knew I couldn't with chemo and hitting large crowds unnecessarily is a big risk to my health. I don't want to end up hospitalized because I caught a cold at comicon when it could've been avoided. Still I feel like I'm missing out. There's apparently a Tardis there!! And Bobby's phone "apparently" has no signal so I receive maybe one text or a small group of texts once every two hours. Sigh. Wish I could be there instead of at home healing from the effects of this treatment. It doesn't help that I've had some major craving lately either, the current one being wedding cake! I mean really??! Wedding cake?! Lol! Specifically I think I want a piece of that strawberry one from Jessica's wedding. That was really good! I'm also craving a loaded baked potato and steak which I don't think is a good idea to eat right now.. You'd think I was pregnant with all this. At least I have yet to experience the hot flashes. I guess it just sucks honestly, I read a lot of breast cancer survivor stories about these women who either attempted to juggle between their chemo life and their normal life or had to succumb to their chemo life and put everything else on hold. That's not something I want to do. I mean I just got a notice of a job opening at my work that they haven't had opened for YEARS. And they just now opened up four positions. I have always WANTED that job if I ever went down this career path (which I did) I applied to it but now I'm worried because of my disease I won't be considered for the position. It's disheartening, because the one time they bring it back I get sick! If I even get considered I'm going to fight my hardest to get the position. I'm not going to let having cancer stop me from progressing my career! I just hope they take some time to consider hiring for the job though since it requires training for at least 3 months in two different states. That might be difficult to do with chemo. But damnit I want that job position so bad! Sigh overall I don't think this has been a great year. Heck id say this is the worst year of my life. Maybe this is just something I deserve, or God is trying to teach me a lesson. I don't honestly know and I've been searching for answers. It's not fun having thoughts of dying cross your mind. Especially when you've hardly accomplished anything in your life. I honestly wish parts of my life had been different. But it's too late to change that. I can only move forward. Sigh I just hope I can live to be 93! Sometimes I just want to curl up and cry, sometimes I do. Crying is healthy you know? I wish I could be on the beach right now with my eyes closed, toes in the sand and all this either behind me or some nightmare that didn't exist.. C'est la vie.