Day 3-4 of Chemo first treatment: future fears

Sorry I've been late on posting. I missed yesterday's because I was so weak floating in and out of consciousness. I got new prescription Ativan, and it keeps my anxiety levels down as well as the nausea. It's been a blessing to me so far both on swallowing it and the effect it has on my body. Only problem is it keeps me sleepy. Which resting is good for my body but I do need to move around and exercise to keep up my muscle mass. I hardly ate anything last night other than some baby food. The night before I had some chicken soup with bobby here. Still haven't passed a bowel movement in days (I know gross but it happens with these medications) I drank a glass of prune juice last night and this morning some applesauce prune juice oatmeal. Hopefully it'll get my stomach moving otherwise the nausea could potentially get worse from constipation. Ugh sucks. So far today my nausea has been good and under control thanks to the new pill. And I was able to eat a small portion of food from chipotle. It was so good I wanted more but I have to take it easy. So I'm eating small bowls of it every few hours. I realized that tortilla wraps are delicious and I can eat those for sure. Probably gonna end up getting more of that later this week. One odd thing I've been noticing this week other than my moms constant start of arguments about anything and everything (this morning it was the famous toilet seat argument) she's been pestering me about Marrying Bobby. She's said it three times now in the last two days, "You have to eat and get better so you can look well for your wedding day with Bobby" "You have to live to get to marrying Bobby after chemo." And I'm just like.. The man hasn't even proposed yet and your already planning the people attending the wedding Mom?? Lol at this moment yes I'd be ecstatic if Bobby proposed. I'd be halfway to heaven if he did, but I know for a fact he won't. He has his own plan for all this and I've got to suck it up and wait. Right now I'm too weak to care about any of that anyways.. If it happens it happens but thinking about when, if or ever it happens either puts my hopes up or makes me extremely depressed and that's not something I should be thinking about during all this. I should be focused on getting better and holding on. Regardless of if we're engaged or not Bobby is still there with me holding my hand as much as he can and he for sure wants to marry me (he told me so last night) his reasons for waiting is just something I have to constantly be patient about. One reason why I don't like thinking about it but mom has been bringing it up a lot lately. I think Bobby watching after me has made her realize he's the real deal and he's not one to back down or run away from someone he loves. I love him so much. He's an amazing man and I'm so lucky to be his lady. At this point though I told him he can get me a cheap 100$ ring and propose to me while I'm sick in bed and i'll still say yes, but he says that's not romantic enough, not his style. (but sweetie I can't go rock climbing in this state!) I don't know what he's waiting for to be honest but I hope it's a good reason other than the fear of what others think.. But he has his reasons I guess. My Moms already got the money ready in savings for the wedding.. I know for sure it's at least 20,000. But possibly 30,000. I just really want to look forward to picking out the dress with my Mom, Mother-in-law and sister-in-law. I think that's one of the biggest moments I want to experience during the wedding process. It brings a tear to my eye just thinking about being able to have a happy moment like that. I guess I'm just a sucker for happy memories, biggest reason why I look forward to my wedding day with Bobby. (Its going to happen eventually dangit! Just might take time since I refuse to be the one to propose. That's his job! So I must be patient even if I don't want to be) other than the honeymoon night ;) just walking down that aisle and staring at his reaction. That's the best moment you can have at your wedding day. Is for the bride to see her grooms reaction to her as she walks down the aisle. I kind of hope he starts crying xD I dunno. When I was growing up I never wanted to be a bride, or get married or have kids. But when you meet someone that makes you want all that and more you just can't stop yourself from thinking about it. I never had placed such thought into a wedding day as much as I have with Bobby. Sure in the past I'd watch wedding shows for entertainment, but never did I bring up all the details of the wedding or go out of my way to look at magazines for dresses, color themes, etc. (granted I did a lot of this due to Kacie getting married) We discuss our theme from time to time, the food, clothes, entertainment, the venue. I have no clue if its just to amuse me or himself that we occasionally talk about it. I've pretty much died down about talking about it though until today because it makes me very depressed because I'm still waiting for his move. I still get upset when people ask when the big day is. And thats because I don't know, and i start to doubt and it gets so upsetting to think its never coming. (Thanks pessimistic side of my brain) Everyone around us are getting engaged or married and it makes no sense to me when I can tell we're more prepared for it, but yet were still waiting. I guess I just get so paranoid with all this life and death situations thrown at me that I just view life as short and that anything important should be done before it can no longer be experienced. To me marrying Bobby is very important. Being with him is very important to me. I can't explain why in words how important he is to me, or how important he is to my life. He's just grown on me that way. Like he's the other half of myself that I never thought I'd find, because I thought I had lost that half once before. I realize that Bobby is more a part of me than any one that's ever come into my life. I imagine us growing old together and being that old couple in the park feeding pigeons and reminiscing our life together. I guess that's just my biggest goal there, to make it to that park bench with Bobby, all old and grumpy grown up. Haha! Still I kind of wish my Mom hasn't brought that stuff up. It always puts me in a bad mood because I can't plan on it now. Can't count on it right now. I can't tell what Bobby has planned or if he has anything planned. When we first started dating ill admit I gave him a one year time limit. If he wasn't sure he wanted to marry me by one year we move on. He's getting older and so am I and time is short. I don't want to waste 3 years of my life based on lies and broken promises, but the real thing. I didn't want to waste another 3 years of my life waiting on someone who'd never make up their mind. It's not that hard to tell when someone's holding back, its hard to know when to let go of that person holding back. But I can see Bobby and know he's the real deal for me, and that with him I don't really need a time limit (of course I'm not very patient with wanting to be his wife so I'd prefer not to wait 2-5 more years!) still its frustrating when you don't know if its going to happen or not. It's a fear.. Right now my biggest fear and the one that holds me back at times. I want to be with Bobby the rest of our days, and I can only hope he feels the same way. Still it makes me anxious not knowing. But again I've gotta get over it. Ha sorry for ranting! The new Ativan medicine they have me on makes me chatty and thinky plus sleepy and just out of it. I probably should go take a nap.. But so far today seems better than the last three days. Ugh here's to hoping!