Day 6

So day 6 of chemo. I'm starting to feel much better in terms of nausea. This morning wasn't so great, and I ended up calling in sick to work thanks to a bad headache, fatigue and a bit of nausea. But luckily as the day has progressed I've gotten better. Problem is with the nausea is anything can cause it at any second. My body odor is definitely one of them. With Chemo your body chemical odor changes, so rather than the somewhat pleasant smell you've become accustomed to, it's a nasty putrid chemical smell. Mix that in with my natural lemongrass deodorant overtime and it makes me feel sick.. I think I almost knocked Bobby out yesterday after a couple hours after washing. (That's shocking) Chemo is not fun. I would not advise it on anyone unless you 100% need it. It doesn't help my emotions are a bit off today too. Not so much as the other day but I am a little sad. It seems like all my friends have gone off to comicon today (including Bobby himself) which I mean I told him to go without me since I knew I couldn't with chemo and hitting large crowds unnecessarily is a big risk to my health. I don't want to end up hospitalized because I caught a cold at comicon when it could've been avoided. Still I feel like I'm missing out. There's apparently a Tardis there!! And Bobby's phone "apparently" has no signal so I receive maybe one text or a small group of texts once every two hours. Sigh. Wish I could be there instead of at home healing from the effects of this treatment. It doesn't help that I've had some major craving lately either, the current one being wedding cake! I mean really??! Wedding cake?! Lol! Specifically I think I want a piece of that strawberry one from Jessica's wedding. That was really good! I'm also craving a loaded baked potato and steak which I don't think is a good idea to eat right now.. You'd think I was pregnant with all this. At least I have yet to experience the hot flashes. I guess it just sucks honestly, I read a lot of breast cancer survivor stories about these women who either attempted to juggle between their chemo life and their normal life or had to succumb to their chemo life and put everything else on hold. That's not something I want to do. I mean I just got a notice of a job opening at my work that they haven't had opened for YEARS. And they just now opened up four positions. I have always WANTED that job if I ever went down this career path (which I did) I applied to it but now I'm worried because of my disease I won't be considered for the position. It's disheartening, because the one time they bring it back I get sick! If I even get considered I'm going to fight my hardest to get the position. I'm not going to let having cancer stop me from progressing my career! I just hope they take some time to consider hiring for the job though since it requires training for at least 3 months in two different states. That might be difficult to do with chemo. But damnit I want that job position so bad! Sigh overall I don't think this has been a great year. Heck id say this is the worst year of my life. Maybe this is just something I deserve, or God is trying to teach me a lesson. I don't honestly know and I've been searching for answers. It's not fun having thoughts of dying cross your mind. Especially when you've hardly accomplished anything in your life. I honestly wish parts of my life had been different. But it's too late to change that. I can only move forward. Sigh I just hope I can live to be 93! Sometimes I just want to curl up and cry, sometimes I do. Crying is healthy you know? I wish I could be on the beach right now with my eyes closed, toes in the sand and all this either behind me or some nightmare that didn't exist.. C'est la vie.

Day 5 chemo

So yesterday was not my best day. Something about the nausea medicine took a real big dump on my emotions. I was very depressed last night and half way into this morning. I think I might've scared a few people.. Either that or its the Chemo. It's one of those side effects that isn't mentioned as often as the hair loss and nausea. Yes they mention depression but more associated with the fact you have cancer and have to cope.. But not so much of "oh hey" on top of being emotionally unstable because you just got bad news you may be more emotionally unstable because of all the medicine were pumping into your system! So yea. I was very upset last night and I could only sleep it off it seems. I guess my Mom talking about the future just really got to me somehow. Usually thinking about that stuff doesn't get me that depressed or upset. I was so upset I hardly wanted to even talk to Bobby about it, which never happens. I usually talk to him about everything and anything. I don't know. I'm feeling better now but that doesn't mean it won't hit me again later. I tried going to work today, seemed to work the first half and then the nausea hit me the last half of the day. That wasn't fun at all. I felt pretty useless which of course made me upset this morning. I ended up passing out after eating some soup when I got home and slept from 11-3. So a four hour nap? I had to eat something just to get the energy to get up. Bobby came over to see me, looking silly in his vest I bought him valentines day. He still refuses to shave. Mom and Dad thinks he's starting to look like a guy from duck dynasty. Lol I laughed because that's exactly what his Mom said! I guess I can say that this hasn't been the best month. My cousin has been in the hospital for the last few days and is in pretty bad condition. We've been praying for him and so far its been working. The reasons are personal, so I didn't want to share it on the blog until we had a better prognosis on how my cousin was doing. It appears that my cousin will make it, so that's really good news! He's got us worried over here in Arizona. Family's important, especially to me. I just hope that its nothing but good news from now on! All the bad news is starting to wear on me, as obviously it did last night even if that was an effect from my medications and the chemo. I really hope I don't get an emotional ride like that again. Last night REALLY sucked. I just hope this exhaustion passes soon too. I don't like feeling this tired. Granted I'd take it any day over the nausea. But the depression has got to go. I'm sure it's got my parents and Bobby worried, especially when I suddenly start crying for no reason at all. But I am CERTAINLY not taking anymore drugs to treat side effects of a side effect! I mean that's just ridiculous. Sigh. Hoping this flies by and is over and done with soon. Sorry for worrying people! Please don't be worried I'm struggling, but that's part of the process of all this. It's just the constant struggle of life. I think I'm going to get to bed now so I can go to work. Goodnight! 

Day 3-4 of Chemo first treatment: future fears

Sorry I've been late on posting. I missed yesterday's because I was so weak floating in and out of consciousness. I got new prescription Ativan, and it keeps my anxiety levels down as well as the nausea. It's been a blessing to me so far both on swallowing it and the effect it has on my body. Only problem is it keeps me sleepy. Which resting is good for my body but I do need to move around and exercise to keep up my muscle mass. I hardly ate anything last night other than some baby food. The night before I had some chicken soup with bobby here. Still haven't passed a bowel movement in days (I know gross but it happens with these medications) I drank a glass of prune juice last night and this morning some applesauce prune juice oatmeal. Hopefully it'll get my stomach moving otherwise the nausea could potentially get worse from constipation. Ugh sucks. So far today my nausea has been good and under control thanks to the new pill. And I was able to eat a small portion of food from chipotle. It was so good I wanted more but I have to take it easy. So I'm eating small bowls of it every few hours. I realized that tortilla wraps are delicious and I can eat those for sure. Probably gonna end up getting more of that later this week. One odd thing I've been noticing this week other than my moms constant start of arguments about anything and everything (this morning it was the famous toilet seat argument) she's been pestering me about Marrying Bobby. She's said it three times now in the last two days, "You have to eat and get better so you can look well for your wedding day with Bobby" "You have to live to get to marrying Bobby after chemo." And I'm just like.. The man hasn't even proposed yet and your already planning the people attending the wedding Mom?? Lol at this moment yes I'd be ecstatic if Bobby proposed. I'd be halfway to heaven if he did, but I know for a fact he won't. He has his own plan for all this and I've got to suck it up and wait. Right now I'm too weak to care about any of that anyways.. If it happens it happens but thinking about when, if or ever it happens either puts my hopes up or makes me extremely depressed and that's not something I should be thinking about during all this. I should be focused on getting better and holding on. Regardless of if we're engaged or not Bobby is still there with me holding my hand as much as he can and he for sure wants to marry me (he told me so last night) his reasons for waiting is just something I have to constantly be patient about. One reason why I don't like thinking about it but mom has been bringing it up a lot lately. I think Bobby watching after me has made her realize he's the real deal and he's not one to back down or run away from someone he loves. I love him so much. He's an amazing man and I'm so lucky to be his lady. At this point though I told him he can get me a cheap 100$ ring and propose to me while I'm sick in bed and i'll still say yes, but he says that's not romantic enough, not his style. (but sweetie I can't go rock climbing in this state!) I don't know what he's waiting for to be honest but I hope it's a good reason other than the fear of what others think.. But he has his reasons I guess. My Moms already got the money ready in savings for the wedding.. I know for sure it's at least 20,000. But possibly 30,000. I just really want to look forward to picking out the dress with my Mom, Mother-in-law and sister-in-law. I think that's one of the biggest moments I want to experience during the wedding process. It brings a tear to my eye just thinking about being able to have a happy moment like that. I guess I'm just a sucker for happy memories, biggest reason why I look forward to my wedding day with Bobby. (Its going to happen eventually dangit! Just might take time since I refuse to be the one to propose. That's his job! So I must be patient even if I don't want to be) other than the honeymoon night ;) just walking down that aisle and staring at his reaction. That's the best moment you can have at your wedding day. Is for the bride to see her grooms reaction to her as she walks down the aisle. I kind of hope he starts crying xD I dunno. When I was growing up I never wanted to be a bride, or get married or have kids. But when you meet someone that makes you want all that and more you just can't stop yourself from thinking about it. I never had placed such thought into a wedding day as much as I have with Bobby. Sure in the past I'd watch wedding shows for entertainment, but never did I bring up all the details of the wedding or go out of my way to look at magazines for dresses, color themes, etc. (granted I did a lot of this due to Kacie getting married) We discuss our theme from time to time, the food, clothes, entertainment, the venue. I have no clue if its just to amuse me or himself that we occasionally talk about it. I've pretty much died down about talking about it though until today because it makes me very depressed because I'm still waiting for his move. I still get upset when people ask when the big day is. And thats because I don't know, and i start to doubt and it gets so upsetting to think its never coming. (Thanks pessimistic side of my brain) Everyone around us are getting engaged or married and it makes no sense to me when I can tell we're more prepared for it, but yet were still waiting. I guess I just get so paranoid with all this life and death situations thrown at me that I just view life as short and that anything important should be done before it can no longer be experienced. To me marrying Bobby is very important. Being with him is very important to me. I can't explain why in words how important he is to me, or how important he is to my life. He's just grown on me that way. Like he's the other half of myself that I never thought I'd find, because I thought I had lost that half once before. I realize that Bobby is more a part of me than any one that's ever come into my life. I imagine us growing old together and being that old couple in the park feeding pigeons and reminiscing our life together. I guess that's just my biggest goal there, to make it to that park bench with Bobby, all old and grumpy grown up. Haha! Still I kind of wish my Mom hasn't brought that stuff up. It always puts me in a bad mood because I can't plan on it now. Can't count on it right now. I can't tell what Bobby has planned or if he has anything planned. When we first started dating ill admit I gave him a one year time limit. If he wasn't sure he wanted to marry me by one year we move on. He's getting older and so am I and time is short. I don't want to waste 3 years of my life based on lies and broken promises, but the real thing. I didn't want to waste another 3 years of my life waiting on someone who'd never make up their mind. It's not that hard to tell when someone's holding back, its hard to know when to let go of that person holding back. But I can see Bobby and know he's the real deal for me, and that with him I don't really need a time limit (of course I'm not very patient with wanting to be his wife so I'd prefer not to wait 2-5 more years!) still its frustrating when you don't know if its going to happen or not. It's a fear.. Right now my biggest fear and the one that holds me back at times. I want to be with Bobby the rest of our days, and I can only hope he feels the same way. Still it makes me anxious not knowing. But again I've gotta get over it. Ha sorry for ranting! The new Ativan medicine they have me on makes me chatty and thinky plus sleepy and just out of it. I probably should go take a nap.. But so far today seems better than the last three days. Ugh here's to hoping!

Day 2 first chemo

Ugh. I can't explain how sick I am. It's like a constant roller coaster starting from last night. I took one of my anti-nausea medications (Compazine) and immediately started feeling sick! ( I was perfectly fine before taking it) I ended up throwing up all night, with a heart burn like feeling to the point I couldn't breathe well. I was almost taken to the ER, but luckily I took my second pill (Ondansetron) and started to feel relief. I ended up passing out from pure exhaustion once Bobby left. I kept him over way later than we wanted to, since he has to work in the morning. He's really exhausted today. I feel really bad but he's being so supportive and trying to be there for me as much as possible. He has no idea how much strength he gives me to get through this. I only wish my time with him was longer. Unfortunately we didn't get the house we put a bid on. I have no idea why, and Bobby won't explain till he gets here. I really miss him. Today was a bit better than yesterday but I did end up throwing up. Probably from the food I ate and the fact I waited a little too long to take my medicine. It's hard getting up the courage to take it. I found out crackers help alleviate some of the nausea so I've been snacking on them. Problem is I'm hungry and I keep eating probably more than I should. Sigh. I can't wait till all this nausea is gone. It's really a pain and doesn't feel good at all. I'm surprised my doctor hasn't called to see how I am doing.. I'm starting to wonder if I can make it to work Thursday. I hope so but at this point I don't know how I will be feeling. It really sucks. I wish I didn't have to suffer like this.. But if its only two times out of three weeks I should look at that as a blessing, some people I've heard have the nausea the entire time. Problem is with my throwing up, it tastes so gross and I choke on it sometimes. Not to mention it doesn't help to keep fluids down or food. I'm hoping I don't get dehydrated or malnourished. I've already lost 10lbs in the last few weeks. 2lbs from just yesterday!! At this point sure I'll get to the weight I've been trying to get to, but its not at the healthy way!! Sigh. Also I think my hair is starting to fall out already. Not in big chunks yet, but definitely a few here and there. I've got my wigs prepared, so that should help. I just really hate this and can't wait for it to be over with. Bobby left a few hours ago, around the time I fell asleep. I was able to eat some soup and so far keep it down. But I don't know how long that'll last as my stomach is feeling funny now. I still have to take my last steroid pill before bed. Ugh this wont be easy. I really hope this is all done and over with tomorrow.

Chemo day May 20, 2013

Woke up this morning really not wanting to go to the clinic. Last night one of Moms bible study friends came by to talk to me about her own chemo experience. I was not very thrilled about it, but her message to me was good although I really didn't want to hear about the pain she went through. That did more harm than good to be honest. I'm more nervous today than I was last Wednesday. I'm not looking forward to this one bit. I know the infusion should be okay but I still wish Bobby was here for me rather than at work. But at least ill get to see him today when I get home. Right now they've got me hooked up to the drip machine with a saline solution drip. I'm waiting for my steroid/nausea mix before the chemo starts. Earlier I saw a young man around my age here. I wish I could have spoken with him a bit and get his experience on all this. I would feel more relatable to someone else my age going through all this. My cousins have a friend of theirs talking to me about his own experiences which is sweet. He was a lot younger than I was when he went through chemo. His experience makes me relax a lot. But I'm still nervous because of all the stuff my mom keeps throwing at me. I'm really starting to get annoyed with her doing things without making sure its okay with me first. But that's my Mom. One benefit to her friend coming over last night was telling Mom to back off if she really cared for my health at all. She told her no Babying and no nagging. To pretty much leave me alone unless I ask. Of course mom didn't listen to her because even now she's trying to bring one of her friends over to see me, I don't mind but she should be asking me if its okay not my nurse. She's still nagging at me about exercise, eating and etc. which is frustrating me because I knew about all that long before she did with this cancer. I don't need her repeating it to me. They just gave me the anti-nausea medication and is now pumping the steroid into my bloodstream. I have a window seat which is nice, I can see the 60 from here and a few mountains in the background, my nurse was interested in my job and asked about all the interesting people I see. Oh I could make a huge list. But I won't. I wonder how my team fared today. I wish I could've been there instead of here. I was able to get some ginger ale from the clinic. They have people come around taking orders for food and drinks. It's nice, I've also got a TV here and a reclining seat. It's not 100% comfortable, but its enough. I'm still dreading the chemo infusion which is next. But hopefully it won't be too bad right?.. The first bag of 5-FU has been attached and is now pumping into me.. 10:53 am. I'm shaking a bit due to being nervous. The other two are hanging above me on the machine. So far I don't feel anything but that doesn't mean I won't later.. I'm hoping my only symptom is fatigue.. But knowing my luck. Sigh. So it's now 11:30 and my first round is done. Now comes the second. The famed "red devil" this ones only going to be administered for 15 minutes. So far I'm feeling OKAY. The stuff reminds me of koolaid fruit punch. I still need my schedule and stuff for work.. One more treatment to go and I'm homeward bound! They just finished up the second round and are now preparing me for my final which will last an hour. My nurse told me that they have a great acupuncturist at the clinic and if I ever need it to just ask as its complementary. I won't today, but maybe next time depending on my symptoms. I got lunch, a nice tuna sandwich and some fruit with my ginger ale. Hopefully I don't regret this later. They now have me hooked up to my third round. And everything is going well so far. I went to the bathroom since I've been drinking so much water and ginger ale on top of being pumped with so many fluids, my pee came out pink from the doxorubicin (red devil). Which I kind of giggled at. Most people freak out and I just find it funny. Must be something wrong with my brain. Ha! One more hour to go. Bobby has been texting me and his mother like a madman over this house we saw. Right now I'm indifferent to it as I don't want to be disappointed like the last one. But he's got his hopes set way too high on it! We will see though. My third round is almost finished. I'm feeling alright so far. I know for sure I'm going to keep up on my medications. I want no nausea! I'm dreading tomorrow, but maybe this won't be so bad! And finished the last bag! I have a slight headache in between my eyes but I think that's just from having to repeat myself several times for my parents because they don't LISTEN. I listen I just chose to ignore half the time what's being said if its over said. Or my hearing just goes retarded and everything that comes out sounds like gibberish. Now to just close my port and grab my schedule and head home!! I got more good news today although its not official since my doctor hasn't told me, but the biopsies I had Thursday came back benign which means no cancer in those spots! Happy day! My chemo nurse also gave me some masks that I can use to wear in public :) although I may have to use the blue one mom gave me for work. Overall I'm not so afraid of my infusions anymore. It was a good experience. I guess I should be dreading the next few weeks!! Hopefully not though. Well here's to praying for a speedy recovery with little harm! 

The Weekend to my Doom! DOOOOMMM!

Hey everyone, sorry I haven't been able to post in the last few days. I kind of went MIA for a bit there since Bobby's parents came into town this weekend just to see me :)! (Okay and probably Bobby too hahaha) I kind of wish they weren't going home tonight, but I think by the way Bobby was hysterically laughing at lunch today, he might need a rest from the shock to his system! Anyways let me explain a little about what's been going on the last few days:


Day 1: I pretty much slept all morning this day (With the leaky ice packs shoved under my arms) until Bobby came and picked me up, (I couldn't drive because I couldn't move my arms). I also ended up talking to Katie (a good friend that was there for me in a few rough patches) and we ended up catching up on what's going on lately with each others lives which was really nice. When Bobby picked me up we ended up going to look at some more houses this time with his Mom in charge! The first three houses we looked at were basically the same layout, small house and small backyard. We were somewhat fond of the first and third one we looked at because they were old houses newly updated. But we decided that none of them were what we were really looking for. After that we went to see a few more houses, none of which seemed to give us that "wow" factor. We ended up going to Olive Garden that night for dinner and boy did I laugh a lot (so much I thought the tube for my port was going to end up popping out of my neck!). Also I was told to stop writing my blog so Aunt Yaya would stop crying every time she read it! My blog is supposed to be inspiring! Not sad! So cheer up Aunt Yaya! :) Afterward Bobby ended up taking me home, (with his folks in the car) and when we got to my place my folks introduced themselves to his folks! It was a happy moment :) My Mom said Bobby looks a lot like his mom, but it was dark so she couldn't see his dad. Although I probably would have to agree, especially when it comes to his hair.

Day 2: Woke up at 3:30am and got ready for work, even though I was still in pain from the surgeries I wanted to go to work and at least be a bit productive. I ended up finding out that my Doctor's note wasn't "good" enough for government protocol so now I have to get a new doctors note that meet's what they want. (My manager know's whats going on though, so really I don't think I may have needed the Doctor's note, but I am gonna get one just in case) The whole entire day at work though I felt awful, because I was pretty much useless in certain areas. I couldn't lift anything which is about 95% of the job, and in all honesty working the other positions just makes me feel lazy. (Which is why I rarely am ever posted at them, because even though I am efficient, I work better doing the 95%) The one interesting thing about that day was having a customer ask me if I was okay because I looked like I was sick. I told her I hope not! I start Chemo on Monday and I CANT be sick! She looked at me with a face full of compassion and told me that her and her family would pray for me. I thought that was a bit random, but peaceful to know that a total stranger can show that much compassion toward someone they never knew. It show's me there are some good people out in the world. After work, I headed home so I could maybe take a shower, buy a lottery ticket, and wait for Bobby to get there to pick me up again for more house hunting. Well the second I got home, a minute later, Bobby rang the doorbell. I was still in my uniform! I was not expecting him to be there so quickly, I wondered if he drove here right behind me the whole time. It took me awhile to change because I needed to take off the extra padding from the surgery, and I had to have help because I could only lift my arms below my shoulders. My Dad ended up going outside to talk to Bobby and his Dad, while I was changing. After I was finally done, we took off for lunch at California Pizza Kitchen and then back to house hunting! We ended up at this house in downtown Gilbert/Mesa about 5-10 minutes from the clinic I am getting treatment from, and boy was it gorgeous! It definitely had the "WOW" factor we were looking for. There are a few things that needed to be upgraded in it, and the backyard is definitely halfway to where we would want it, but overall we loved that first house. It was definitely well maintained for being built in 1996. We decided to keep that house in mind and look at our other options, the second one we just immediately said no to, especially after the bull dog lady (the tenant renting the house) would only allow showings on Saturday from 2-4pm in giant groups and she was always present. Everywhere you went, she was there WATCHING you with glaring eyes. She made looking at the house uncomfortable, but then again I didn't think the house was that great, especially since it looked like they didn't maintain it at all. And if we were to get that one, and they still had the lease till August, like Bobby's Dad said, I don't think they'd go peacefully. The third house was pretty nice, it even had a fireplace, but it still needed a bit of updating and the area around it didn't seem as great as the first one. The backyard was definitely a clean slate, something we could mold into what ever we wanted. And it was the ONLY house that actually had a door to the bathroom in the master bedroom  Every house we've been in, there has been absolutely no door coverage in the Master Bedroom. Basically if you wanted to take a shower, you have to lock the whole room. Now I didn't mind this part, but I did find it a little odd they didn't have the door there. After looking at the houses we went to dinner, and then picked up the puppies from doggy day camp.

This was Bubba's (our baby lemon beagle) first time being with dog's when we weren't around to watch him, he apparently did well although he stuck very close to Laverne the whole time. (He's got dependency issues, since he was found in the middle of the desert as a baby, it took him awhile just to trust we weren't going to abandon him) I love my little Hubba Bubba! Course Bobby thinks hes "el diablo" but he loves him very much, just won't admit it upfront (Lemon Beagles are Bobby's favorite breed of dog). He's a smart puppy, we taught him how to Sit, Stay, Fetch, Roll over, Beg, Shake, and Lay down in probably just a few weeks. (If all added up in hours) He's still learning the roll over trick, but he's got it down pretty well except that last roll. He makes it halfway and then just expects the treat or a belly rub. Knucklehead. After we picked up the puppies from camp we ended up back at my place and Bobby's folks were invited inside the house. I was busy getting my uniform ready for work the next morning, so I missed a bit of conversation. I know my Mom gave Bobby's Mom one of the fans she got from Korea, which I guess Bobby's Mom had been looking everywhere for, for awhile. I know my Mom had mentioned it was a very good quality fan, which means its not one of the cheap ones that will break easily I hope! Bobby decided to trick his Mom into believing that she had stolen the fan, which I thankfully corrected this morning! (Quit teasing your Mom and making her worry so much Bobby jeez! She get's enough teasing from your Dad, you should be focused on teasing me! Haha) I had Bobby leave Bubba with me that night as I missed my baby and wanted him to stay with me for the night. Once Bobby and his folks left, (I am so glad they and my parents get a long!) I ended up taking a shower and walking out to the living room, just to find this:

I don't think Dad realized I took the picture since he was fast asleep, and so was poor little Bubba! Puppy was passed out and could hardly get up to walk to the bed! If I wasn't still in pain I would've carried him to bed but he weighs 25lbs now instead of 3lbs. My baby is growing so fast :'(. Finally I went to sleep and that leads into today!

I went to work again today, this time I was actually able to do a bit of working, better than yesterday. I still felt pretty useless since I still couldn't lift as much as I wanted to be able to. Jason my co-worker was being silent today, which made me feel awkward because I wanted him to be happy! I wonder what was wrong, but I am not going to press him over it. I'm sure he's in a better mood now that work is over! I was invited to go to breakfast/lunch with a few co-workers this morning but I had to turn them down since I was going to see Bobby and his folks after work before they ended up going back to Chicago. So I ended up driving to his place after work and changing when I got there. We ended up going out shopping and getting his car washed, all the while talking about my Chemo tomorrow. We ended up having lunch at Red Robins, Yum! and the entire time Bobby was laughing hysterically. Well I should say quietly hysterically. It was weird little giggle fits he was having, and it creeped me out. I think it's just the stress finally getting to him. The entire time we made jokes and laughed about boats (don't ask me, it wasn't THAT funny) church and a few other things. Bobby kept making up songs all day too, mainly about me and going to the bathroom. I ended up getting my revenge by sitting on him with my "bony butt" and hurting him with it every time he'd start singing. He started several times, you'd think he'd learn! ;) He was laughing the whole time though, so I don't think it hurt him that much. In fact I think he was having more fun with it than anything else. Jerkface! After lunch I ended up having to leave so I said my goodbyes :( with lots of hugs and thank you's! And Bobby's Mom said that she would probably be back in a month around the time of my next chemo treatment (Bobby's going to be stressing out so much the next year or so!) But I think he secretly loves it, he knows the value of family and especially what his parents mean to him and me. He's just a whiner when it comes to his Mom visiting, but I can tell he loves it. Besides if he misbehaves I could just say that I'll call his Mom and ask her to hop on the next plane ride over! ;) That'll teach him! Bahahaha just kidding sweetheart. But in all seriousness it would've been nice if they could have stayed a bit longer, I don't think I've laughed that hard in a few months! But that was pretty much the last few days, minus a few other details, and Bobby will be coming over tonight for a bit to pick up Bubba and spend some more time with me before tomorrow. I am in all honesty not looking forward to doing any of this starting tomorrow, but if I want to live I have no choice. And I definitely want to live to be able to spend more time with Bobby and our family :). So here's to good luck and a bright future!

Ultrasound Gone Biopsy!

Slept on the couch again last night. Right now the port is just too uncomfortable to be able to sleep on the bed. I can still hardly move my right arm, and the entire area from my collar bone into the side of my neck is stiff. The muscles just don't seem to want to relax and I don't know if its just because its still not used to something foreign being under my skin. Ended up being thirty minutes too early to the hospital so Dad and I went to grab a bite at the cafeteria. I wasn't feeling well so I just had some pomegranate blueberry naked juice. Dad got to eat some biscuits in gravy and bacon (while I sit there jealous because I can't eat that anymore!) starting to think he needs to watch what he eats again! I mean really he has to be able to stay alive to see his grandkids and that's going to be about 10-15 years from now! (Unless Bobby and I adopt) Dad thinks that with how stem cells are progressing that if I can't have my own kids the natural way that I can grow some from my own stem cells. That's going to be expensive! But hey I've got 10-15 years to save up right?! I guess this means I can spend a little more on the wedding. HAH. Anyways we ended up back to the image center and ended up talking to the lady "in charge" and talked about our situation over at Banner MD Anderson. She was a bit shocked at how disorganized everything was and how I was being treated, so she ended up taking some things into her own hands to get thing set up for us. My Nurse Navigator (the one whose supposed to keep things straight) wasn't going to be in till 8:30 and my appointment was at 8 so I couldn't talk to her but Dad did. I was escorted to the ultrasound room after talking to Dr. Loving my image radiologist. He explained why I needed the two biopsies and that it could be nothing since my PET scan showed nothing in those areas. However he wanted to be sure since the MRI did. I also got the results from the PET scan and it appears that the cancer has only stuck to the area it's in and the one lymph node. I was so happy to hear this as I had been praying for some form of good news. God really answers when you need him! So I go to the ultrasound room and well there's nothing on the screen showing anything in the tissue. So we end up going to the MRI. They end up seeing the same thing again and decide on the biopsy. Now let me tell you an MRI Biopsy sucks! Your laying on your stomach, you have your boobs squished and if your small like me your ribcage too. This makes it difficult to breathe. So I had a hard time with the whole process because all I wanted to do was move around and get comfortable. Then came the biopsy after the scans were done. This was the worst part because on top of numbing me and putting something in both my breasts I had to get another scan. After the scan I was numbed further and then there was some sort of drilling sound to collect tissue samples. My port all the while was screaming at me as were my sides. I wimped out and cried a bit because it still hurt like hell! But after I was done they told me I did a lot better than most women do with the MRI Biopsy. After that I went in for an "easy" mammogram to see if my clips were in the right place. That hurt thanks to my port. I went and got dressed and my Chemo doctor came in to talk to me as she supposedly trying to contact me the last two days but found out through my nurse navigator that I've been at the hospital the last two days and that's why I have yet to respond! She told me about my prescriptions and my PET scan which I already knew about. Then she said she'd see me on Monday and left. The PET scan was such a relief. Now to just pray about the two I had done today. I was finally discharged and Dad told me he talked to my nurse navigator for me and everything was settled out, including my prescriptions and a few other things. Hopefully all works out and ill be okay on Monday. This day has wiped me out. Good news that makes me happy is that Bobby's folks are flying in today! Sad that his sister didn't come with but maybe next time! He's not too happy about it, but what child is happy about their parents coming to visit? Especially when your apartment is a pigsty that'll give your mom a heart attack *cough* love you Bobby! *cough* hopefully these biopsy sites don't hurt like the last ones but so far they're starting to. Ugh! Sleeping has been difficult with the pain, but it'll subside eventually right? Well here's hoping to tomorrow!