Day 6

So day 6 of chemo. I'm starting to feel much better in terms of nausea. This morning wasn't so great, and I ended up calling in sick to work thanks to a bad headache, fatigue and a bit of nausea. But luckily as the day has progressed I've gotten better. Problem is with the nausea is anything can cause it at any second. My body odor is definitely one of them. With Chemo your body chemical odor changes, so rather than the somewhat pleasant smell you've become accustomed to, it's a nasty putrid chemical smell. Mix that in with my natural lemongrass deodorant overtime and it makes me feel sick.. I think I almost knocked Bobby out yesterday after a couple hours after washing. (That's shocking) Chemo is not fun. I would not advise it on anyone unless you 100% need it. It doesn't help my emotions are a bit off today too. Not so much as the other day but I am a little sad. It seems like all my friends have gone off to comicon today (including Bobby himself) which I mean I told him to go without me since I knew I couldn't with chemo and hitting large crowds unnecessarily is a big risk to my health. I don't want to end up hospitalized because I caught a cold at comicon when it could've been avoided. Still I feel like I'm missing out. There's apparently a Tardis there!! And Bobby's phone "apparently" has no signal so I receive maybe one text or a small group of texts once every two hours. Sigh. Wish I could be there instead of at home healing from the effects of this treatment. It doesn't help that I've had some major craving lately either, the current one being wedding cake! I mean really??! Wedding cake?! Lol! Specifically I think I want a piece of that strawberry one from Jessica's wedding. That was really good! I'm also craving a loaded baked potato and steak which I don't think is a good idea to eat right now.. You'd think I was pregnant with all this. At least I have yet to experience the hot flashes. I guess it just sucks honestly, I read a lot of breast cancer survivor stories about these women who either attempted to juggle between their chemo life and their normal life or had to succumb to their chemo life and put everything else on hold. That's not something I want to do. I mean I just got a notice of a job opening at my work that they haven't had opened for YEARS. And they just now opened up four positions. I have always WANTED that job if I ever went down this career path (which I did) I applied to it but now I'm worried because of my disease I won't be considered for the position. It's disheartening, because the one time they bring it back I get sick! If I even get considered I'm going to fight my hardest to get the position. I'm not going to let having cancer stop me from progressing my career! I just hope they take some time to consider hiring for the job though since it requires training for at least 3 months in two different states. That might be difficult to do with chemo. But damnit I want that job position so bad! Sigh overall I don't think this has been a great year. Heck id say this is the worst year of my life. Maybe this is just something I deserve, or God is trying to teach me a lesson. I don't honestly know and I've been searching for answers. It's not fun having thoughts of dying cross your mind. Especially when you've hardly accomplished anything in your life. I honestly wish parts of my life had been different. But it's too late to change that. I can only move forward. Sigh I just hope I can live to be 93! Sometimes I just want to curl up and cry, sometimes I do. Crying is healthy you know? I wish I could be on the beach right now with my eyes closed, toes in the sand and all this either behind me or some nightmare that didn't exist.. C'est la vie.

Day 5 chemo

So yesterday was not my best day. Something about the nausea medicine took a real big dump on my emotions. I was very depressed last night and half way into this morning. I think I might've scared a few people.. Either that or its the Chemo. It's one of those side effects that isn't mentioned as often as the hair loss and nausea. Yes they mention depression but more associated with the fact you have cancer and have to cope.. But not so much of "oh hey" on top of being emotionally unstable because you just got bad news you may be more emotionally unstable because of all the medicine were pumping into your system! So yea. I was very upset last night and I could only sleep it off it seems. I guess my Mom talking about the future just really got to me somehow. Usually thinking about that stuff doesn't get me that depressed or upset. I was so upset I hardly wanted to even talk to Bobby about it, which never happens. I usually talk to him about everything and anything. I don't know. I'm feeling better now but that doesn't mean it won't hit me again later. I tried going to work today, seemed to work the first half and then the nausea hit me the last half of the day. That wasn't fun at all. I felt pretty useless which of course made me upset this morning. I ended up passing out after eating some soup when I got home and slept from 11-3. So a four hour nap? I had to eat something just to get the energy to get up. Bobby came over to see me, looking silly in his vest I bought him valentines day. He still refuses to shave. Mom and Dad thinks he's starting to look like a guy from duck dynasty. Lol I laughed because that's exactly what his Mom said! I guess I can say that this hasn't been the best month. My cousin has been in the hospital for the last few days and is in pretty bad condition. We've been praying for him and so far its been working. The reasons are personal, so I didn't want to share it on the blog until we had a better prognosis on how my cousin was doing. It appears that my cousin will make it, so that's really good news! He's got us worried over here in Arizona. Family's important, especially to me. I just hope that its nothing but good news from now on! All the bad news is starting to wear on me, as obviously it did last night even if that was an effect from my medications and the chemo. I really hope I don't get an emotional ride like that again. Last night REALLY sucked. I just hope this exhaustion passes soon too. I don't like feeling this tired. Granted I'd take it any day over the nausea. But the depression has got to go. I'm sure it's got my parents and Bobby worried, especially when I suddenly start crying for no reason at all. But I am CERTAINLY not taking anymore drugs to treat side effects of a side effect! I mean that's just ridiculous. Sigh. Hoping this flies by and is over and done with soon. Sorry for worrying people! Please don't be worried I'm struggling, but that's part of the process of all this. It's just the constant struggle of life. I think I'm going to get to bed now so I can go to work. Goodnight! 

Day 3-4 of Chemo first treatment: future fears

Sorry I've been late on posting. I missed yesterday's because I was so weak floating in and out of consciousness. I got new prescription Ativan, and it keeps my anxiety levels down as well as the nausea. It's been a blessing to me so far both on swallowing it and the effect it has on my body. Only problem is it keeps me sleepy. Which resting is good for my body but I do need to move around and exercise to keep up my muscle mass. I hardly ate anything last night other than some baby food. The night before I had some chicken soup with bobby here. Still haven't passed a bowel movement in days (I know gross but it happens with these medications) I drank a glass of prune juice last night and this morning some applesauce prune juice oatmeal. Hopefully it'll get my stomach moving otherwise the nausea could potentially get worse from constipation. Ugh sucks. So far today my nausea has been good and under control thanks to the new pill. And I was able to eat a small portion of food from chipotle. It was so good I wanted more but I have to take it easy. So I'm eating small bowls of it every few hours. I realized that tortilla wraps are delicious and I can eat those for sure. Probably gonna end up getting more of that later this week. One odd thing I've been noticing this week other than my moms constant start of arguments about anything and everything (this morning it was the famous toilet seat argument) she's been pestering me about Marrying Bobby. She's said it three times now in the last two days, "You have to eat and get better so you can look well for your wedding day with Bobby" "You have to live to get to marrying Bobby after chemo." And I'm just like.. The man hasn't even proposed yet and your already planning the people attending the wedding Mom?? Lol at this moment yes I'd be ecstatic if Bobby proposed. I'd be halfway to heaven if he did, but I know for a fact he won't. He has his own plan for all this and I've got to suck it up and wait. Right now I'm too weak to care about any of that anyways.. If it happens it happens but thinking about when, if or ever it happens either puts my hopes up or makes me extremely depressed and that's not something I should be thinking about during all this. I should be focused on getting better and holding on. Regardless of if we're engaged or not Bobby is still there with me holding my hand as much as he can and he for sure wants to marry me (he told me so last night) his reasons for waiting is just something I have to constantly be patient about. One reason why I don't like thinking about it but mom has been bringing it up a lot lately. I think Bobby watching after me has made her realize he's the real deal and he's not one to back down or run away from someone he loves. I love him so much. He's an amazing man and I'm so lucky to be his lady. At this point though I told him he can get me a cheap 100$ ring and propose to me while I'm sick in bed and i'll still say yes, but he says that's not romantic enough, not his style. (but sweetie I can't go rock climbing in this state!) I don't know what he's waiting for to be honest but I hope it's a good reason other than the fear of what others think.. But he has his reasons I guess. My Moms already got the money ready in savings for the wedding.. I know for sure it's at least 20,000. But possibly 30,000. I just really want to look forward to picking out the dress with my Mom, Mother-in-law and sister-in-law. I think that's one of the biggest moments I want to experience during the wedding process. It brings a tear to my eye just thinking about being able to have a happy moment like that. I guess I'm just a sucker for happy memories, biggest reason why I look forward to my wedding day with Bobby. (Its going to happen eventually dangit! Just might take time since I refuse to be the one to propose. That's his job! So I must be patient even if I don't want to be) other than the honeymoon night ;) just walking down that aisle and staring at his reaction. That's the best moment you can have at your wedding day. Is for the bride to see her grooms reaction to her as she walks down the aisle. I kind of hope he starts crying xD I dunno. When I was growing up I never wanted to be a bride, or get married or have kids. But when you meet someone that makes you want all that and more you just can't stop yourself from thinking about it. I never had placed such thought into a wedding day as much as I have with Bobby. Sure in the past I'd watch wedding shows for entertainment, but never did I bring up all the details of the wedding or go out of my way to look at magazines for dresses, color themes, etc. (granted I did a lot of this due to Kacie getting married) We discuss our theme from time to time, the food, clothes, entertainment, the venue. I have no clue if its just to amuse me or himself that we occasionally talk about it. I've pretty much died down about talking about it though until today because it makes me very depressed because I'm still waiting for his move. I still get upset when people ask when the big day is. And thats because I don't know, and i start to doubt and it gets so upsetting to think its never coming. (Thanks pessimistic side of my brain) Everyone around us are getting engaged or married and it makes no sense to me when I can tell we're more prepared for it, but yet were still waiting. I guess I just get so paranoid with all this life and death situations thrown at me that I just view life as short and that anything important should be done before it can no longer be experienced. To me marrying Bobby is very important. Being with him is very important to me. I can't explain why in words how important he is to me, or how important he is to my life. He's just grown on me that way. Like he's the other half of myself that I never thought I'd find, because I thought I had lost that half once before. I realize that Bobby is more a part of me than any one that's ever come into my life. I imagine us growing old together and being that old couple in the park feeding pigeons and reminiscing our life together. I guess that's just my biggest goal there, to make it to that park bench with Bobby, all old and grumpy grown up. Haha! Still I kind of wish my Mom hasn't brought that stuff up. It always puts me in a bad mood because I can't plan on it now. Can't count on it right now. I can't tell what Bobby has planned or if he has anything planned. When we first started dating ill admit I gave him a one year time limit. If he wasn't sure he wanted to marry me by one year we move on. He's getting older and so am I and time is short. I don't want to waste 3 years of my life based on lies and broken promises, but the real thing. I didn't want to waste another 3 years of my life waiting on someone who'd never make up their mind. It's not that hard to tell when someone's holding back, its hard to know when to let go of that person holding back. But I can see Bobby and know he's the real deal for me, and that with him I don't really need a time limit (of course I'm not very patient with wanting to be his wife so I'd prefer not to wait 2-5 more years!) still its frustrating when you don't know if its going to happen or not. It's a fear.. Right now my biggest fear and the one that holds me back at times. I want to be with Bobby the rest of our days, and I can only hope he feels the same way. Still it makes me anxious not knowing. But again I've gotta get over it. Ha sorry for ranting! The new Ativan medicine they have me on makes me chatty and thinky plus sleepy and just out of it. I probably should go take a nap.. But so far today seems better than the last three days. Ugh here's to hoping!

Day 2 first chemo

Ugh. I can't explain how sick I am. It's like a constant roller coaster starting from last night. I took one of my anti-nausea medications (Compazine) and immediately started feeling sick! ( I was perfectly fine before taking it) I ended up throwing up all night, with a heart burn like feeling to the point I couldn't breathe well. I was almost taken to the ER, but luckily I took my second pill (Ondansetron) and started to feel relief. I ended up passing out from pure exhaustion once Bobby left. I kept him over way later than we wanted to, since he has to work in the morning. He's really exhausted today. I feel really bad but he's being so supportive and trying to be there for me as much as possible. He has no idea how much strength he gives me to get through this. I only wish my time with him was longer. Unfortunately we didn't get the house we put a bid on. I have no idea why, and Bobby won't explain till he gets here. I really miss him. Today was a bit better than yesterday but I did end up throwing up. Probably from the food I ate and the fact I waited a little too long to take my medicine. It's hard getting up the courage to take it. I found out crackers help alleviate some of the nausea so I've been snacking on them. Problem is I'm hungry and I keep eating probably more than I should. Sigh. I can't wait till all this nausea is gone. It's really a pain and doesn't feel good at all. I'm surprised my doctor hasn't called to see how I am doing.. I'm starting to wonder if I can make it to work Thursday. I hope so but at this point I don't know how I will be feeling. It really sucks. I wish I didn't have to suffer like this.. But if its only two times out of three weeks I should look at that as a blessing, some people I've heard have the nausea the entire time. Problem is with my throwing up, it tastes so gross and I choke on it sometimes. Not to mention it doesn't help to keep fluids down or food. I'm hoping I don't get dehydrated or malnourished. I've already lost 10lbs in the last few weeks. 2lbs from just yesterday!! At this point sure I'll get to the weight I've been trying to get to, but its not at the healthy way!! Sigh. Also I think my hair is starting to fall out already. Not in big chunks yet, but definitely a few here and there. I've got my wigs prepared, so that should help. I just really hate this and can't wait for it to be over with. Bobby left a few hours ago, around the time I fell asleep. I was able to eat some soup and so far keep it down. But I don't know how long that'll last as my stomach is feeling funny now. I still have to take my last steroid pill before bed. Ugh this wont be easy. I really hope this is all done and over with tomorrow.

Chemo day May 20, 2013

Woke up this morning really not wanting to go to the clinic. Last night one of Moms bible study friends came by to talk to me about her own chemo experience. I was not very thrilled about it, but her message to me was good although I really didn't want to hear about the pain she went through. That did more harm than good to be honest. I'm more nervous today than I was last Wednesday. I'm not looking forward to this one bit. I know the infusion should be okay but I still wish Bobby was here for me rather than at work. But at least ill get to see him today when I get home. Right now they've got me hooked up to the drip machine with a saline solution drip. I'm waiting for my steroid/nausea mix before the chemo starts. Earlier I saw a young man around my age here. I wish I could have spoken with him a bit and get his experience on all this. I would feel more relatable to someone else my age going through all this. My cousins have a friend of theirs talking to me about his own experiences which is sweet. He was a lot younger than I was when he went through chemo. His experience makes me relax a lot. But I'm still nervous because of all the stuff my mom keeps throwing at me. I'm really starting to get annoyed with her doing things without making sure its okay with me first. But that's my Mom. One benefit to her friend coming over last night was telling Mom to back off if she really cared for my health at all. She told her no Babying and no nagging. To pretty much leave me alone unless I ask. Of course mom didn't listen to her because even now she's trying to bring one of her friends over to see me, I don't mind but she should be asking me if its okay not my nurse. She's still nagging at me about exercise, eating and etc. which is frustrating me because I knew about all that long before she did with this cancer. I don't need her repeating it to me. They just gave me the anti-nausea medication and is now pumping the steroid into my bloodstream. I have a window seat which is nice, I can see the 60 from here and a few mountains in the background, my nurse was interested in my job and asked about all the interesting people I see. Oh I could make a huge list. But I won't. I wonder how my team fared today. I wish I could've been there instead of here. I was able to get some ginger ale from the clinic. They have people come around taking orders for food and drinks. It's nice, I've also got a TV here and a reclining seat. It's not 100% comfortable, but its enough. I'm still dreading the chemo infusion which is next. But hopefully it won't be too bad right?.. The first bag of 5-FU has been attached and is now pumping into me.. 10:53 am. I'm shaking a bit due to being nervous. The other two are hanging above me on the machine. So far I don't feel anything but that doesn't mean I won't later.. I'm hoping my only symptom is fatigue.. But knowing my luck. Sigh. So it's now 11:30 and my first round is done. Now comes the second. The famed "red devil" this ones only going to be administered for 15 minutes. So far I'm feeling OKAY. The stuff reminds me of koolaid fruit punch. I still need my schedule and stuff for work.. One more treatment to go and I'm homeward bound! They just finished up the second round and are now preparing me for my final which will last an hour. My nurse told me that they have a great acupuncturist at the clinic and if I ever need it to just ask as its complementary. I won't today, but maybe next time depending on my symptoms. I got lunch, a nice tuna sandwich and some fruit with my ginger ale. Hopefully I don't regret this later. They now have me hooked up to my third round. And everything is going well so far. I went to the bathroom since I've been drinking so much water and ginger ale on top of being pumped with so many fluids, my pee came out pink from the doxorubicin (red devil). Which I kind of giggled at. Most people freak out and I just find it funny. Must be something wrong with my brain. Ha! One more hour to go. Bobby has been texting me and his mother like a madman over this house we saw. Right now I'm indifferent to it as I don't want to be disappointed like the last one. But he's got his hopes set way too high on it! We will see though. My third round is almost finished. I'm feeling alright so far. I know for sure I'm going to keep up on my medications. I want no nausea! I'm dreading tomorrow, but maybe this won't be so bad! And finished the last bag! I have a slight headache in between my eyes but I think that's just from having to repeat myself several times for my parents because they don't LISTEN. I listen I just chose to ignore half the time what's being said if its over said. Or my hearing just goes retarded and everything that comes out sounds like gibberish. Now to just close my port and grab my schedule and head home!! I got more good news today although its not official since my doctor hasn't told me, but the biopsies I had Thursday came back benign which means no cancer in those spots! Happy day! My chemo nurse also gave me some masks that I can use to wear in public :) although I may have to use the blue one mom gave me for work. Overall I'm not so afraid of my infusions anymore. It was a good experience. I guess I should be dreading the next few weeks!! Hopefully not though. Well here's to praying for a speedy recovery with little harm! 

The Weekend to my Doom! DOOOOMMM!

Hey everyone, sorry I haven't been able to post in the last few days. I kind of went MIA for a bit there since Bobby's parents came into town this weekend just to see me :)! (Okay and probably Bobby too hahaha) I kind of wish they weren't going home tonight, but I think by the way Bobby was hysterically laughing at lunch today, he might need a rest from the shock to his system! Anyways let me explain a little about what's been going on the last few days:


Day 1: I pretty much slept all morning this day (With the leaky ice packs shoved under my arms) until Bobby came and picked me up, (I couldn't drive because I couldn't move my arms). I also ended up talking to Katie (a good friend that was there for me in a few rough patches) and we ended up catching up on what's going on lately with each others lives which was really nice. When Bobby picked me up we ended up going to look at some more houses this time with his Mom in charge! The first three houses we looked at were basically the same layout, small house and small backyard. We were somewhat fond of the first and third one we looked at because they were old houses newly updated. But we decided that none of them were what we were really looking for. After that we went to see a few more houses, none of which seemed to give us that "wow" factor. We ended up going to Olive Garden that night for dinner and boy did I laugh a lot (so much I thought the tube for my port was going to end up popping out of my neck!). Also I was told to stop writing my blog so Aunt Yaya would stop crying every time she read it! My blog is supposed to be inspiring! Not sad! So cheer up Aunt Yaya! :) Afterward Bobby ended up taking me home, (with his folks in the car) and when we got to my place my folks introduced themselves to his folks! It was a happy moment :) My Mom said Bobby looks a lot like his mom, but it was dark so she couldn't see his dad. Although I probably would have to agree, especially when it comes to his hair.

Day 2: Woke up at 3:30am and got ready for work, even though I was still in pain from the surgeries I wanted to go to work and at least be a bit productive. I ended up finding out that my Doctor's note wasn't "good" enough for government protocol so now I have to get a new doctors note that meet's what they want. (My manager know's whats going on though, so really I don't think I may have needed the Doctor's note, but I am gonna get one just in case) The whole entire day at work though I felt awful, because I was pretty much useless in certain areas. I couldn't lift anything which is about 95% of the job, and in all honesty working the other positions just makes me feel lazy. (Which is why I rarely am ever posted at them, because even though I am efficient, I work better doing the 95%) The one interesting thing about that day was having a customer ask me if I was okay because I looked like I was sick. I told her I hope not! I start Chemo on Monday and I CANT be sick! She looked at me with a face full of compassion and told me that her and her family would pray for me. I thought that was a bit random, but peaceful to know that a total stranger can show that much compassion toward someone they never knew. It show's me there are some good people out in the world. After work, I headed home so I could maybe take a shower, buy a lottery ticket, and wait for Bobby to get there to pick me up again for more house hunting. Well the second I got home, a minute later, Bobby rang the doorbell. I was still in my uniform! I was not expecting him to be there so quickly, I wondered if he drove here right behind me the whole time. It took me awhile to change because I needed to take off the extra padding from the surgery, and I had to have help because I could only lift my arms below my shoulders. My Dad ended up going outside to talk to Bobby and his Dad, while I was changing. After I was finally done, we took off for lunch at California Pizza Kitchen and then back to house hunting! We ended up at this house in downtown Gilbert/Mesa about 5-10 minutes from the clinic I am getting treatment from, and boy was it gorgeous! It definitely had the "WOW" factor we were looking for. There are a few things that needed to be upgraded in it, and the backyard is definitely halfway to where we would want it, but overall we loved that first house. It was definitely well maintained for being built in 1996. We decided to keep that house in mind and look at our other options, the second one we just immediately said no to, especially after the bull dog lady (the tenant renting the house) would only allow showings on Saturday from 2-4pm in giant groups and she was always present. Everywhere you went, she was there WATCHING you with glaring eyes. She made looking at the house uncomfortable, but then again I didn't think the house was that great, especially since it looked like they didn't maintain it at all. And if we were to get that one, and they still had the lease till August, like Bobby's Dad said, I don't think they'd go peacefully. The third house was pretty nice, it even had a fireplace, but it still needed a bit of updating and the area around it didn't seem as great as the first one. The backyard was definitely a clean slate, something we could mold into what ever we wanted. And it was the ONLY house that actually had a door to the bathroom in the master bedroom  Every house we've been in, there has been absolutely no door coverage in the Master Bedroom. Basically if you wanted to take a shower, you have to lock the whole room. Now I didn't mind this part, but I did find it a little odd they didn't have the door there. After looking at the houses we went to dinner, and then picked up the puppies from doggy day camp.

This was Bubba's (our baby lemon beagle) first time being with dog's when we weren't around to watch him, he apparently did well although he stuck very close to Laverne the whole time. (He's got dependency issues, since he was found in the middle of the desert as a baby, it took him awhile just to trust we weren't going to abandon him) I love my little Hubba Bubba! Course Bobby thinks hes "el diablo" but he loves him very much, just won't admit it upfront (Lemon Beagles are Bobby's favorite breed of dog). He's a smart puppy, we taught him how to Sit, Stay, Fetch, Roll over, Beg, Shake, and Lay down in probably just a few weeks. (If all added up in hours) He's still learning the roll over trick, but he's got it down pretty well except that last roll. He makes it halfway and then just expects the treat or a belly rub. Knucklehead. After we picked up the puppies from camp we ended up back at my place and Bobby's folks were invited inside the house. I was busy getting my uniform ready for work the next morning, so I missed a bit of conversation. I know my Mom gave Bobby's Mom one of the fans she got from Korea, which I guess Bobby's Mom had been looking everywhere for, for awhile. I know my Mom had mentioned it was a very good quality fan, which means its not one of the cheap ones that will break easily I hope! Bobby decided to trick his Mom into believing that she had stolen the fan, which I thankfully corrected this morning! (Quit teasing your Mom and making her worry so much Bobby jeez! She get's enough teasing from your Dad, you should be focused on teasing me! Haha) I had Bobby leave Bubba with me that night as I missed my baby and wanted him to stay with me for the night. Once Bobby and his folks left, (I am so glad they and my parents get a long!) I ended up taking a shower and walking out to the living room, just to find this:

I don't think Dad realized I took the picture since he was fast asleep, and so was poor little Bubba! Puppy was passed out and could hardly get up to walk to the bed! If I wasn't still in pain I would've carried him to bed but he weighs 25lbs now instead of 3lbs. My baby is growing so fast :'(. Finally I went to sleep and that leads into today!

I went to work again today, this time I was actually able to do a bit of working, better than yesterday. I still felt pretty useless since I still couldn't lift as much as I wanted to be able to. Jason my co-worker was being silent today, which made me feel awkward because I wanted him to be happy! I wonder what was wrong, but I am not going to press him over it. I'm sure he's in a better mood now that work is over! I was invited to go to breakfast/lunch with a few co-workers this morning but I had to turn them down since I was going to see Bobby and his folks after work before they ended up going back to Chicago. So I ended up driving to his place after work and changing when I got there. We ended up going out shopping and getting his car washed, all the while talking about my Chemo tomorrow. We ended up having lunch at Red Robins, Yum! and the entire time Bobby was laughing hysterically. Well I should say quietly hysterically. It was weird little giggle fits he was having, and it creeped me out. I think it's just the stress finally getting to him. The entire time we made jokes and laughed about boats (don't ask me, it wasn't THAT funny) church and a few other things. Bobby kept making up songs all day too, mainly about me and going to the bathroom. I ended up getting my revenge by sitting on him with my "bony butt" and hurting him with it every time he'd start singing. He started several times, you'd think he'd learn! ;) He was laughing the whole time though, so I don't think it hurt him that much. In fact I think he was having more fun with it than anything else. Jerkface! After lunch I ended up having to leave so I said my goodbyes :( with lots of hugs and thank you's! And Bobby's Mom said that she would probably be back in a month around the time of my next chemo treatment (Bobby's going to be stressing out so much the next year or so!) But I think he secretly loves it, he knows the value of family and especially what his parents mean to him and me. He's just a whiner when it comes to his Mom visiting, but I can tell he loves it. Besides if he misbehaves I could just say that I'll call his Mom and ask her to hop on the next plane ride over! ;) That'll teach him! Bahahaha just kidding sweetheart. But in all seriousness it would've been nice if they could have stayed a bit longer, I don't think I've laughed that hard in a few months! But that was pretty much the last few days, minus a few other details, and Bobby will be coming over tonight for a bit to pick up Bubba and spend some more time with me before tomorrow. I am in all honesty not looking forward to doing any of this starting tomorrow, but if I want to live I have no choice. And I definitely want to live to be able to spend more time with Bobby and our family :). So here's to good luck and a bright future!

Ultrasound Gone Biopsy!

Slept on the couch again last night. Right now the port is just too uncomfortable to be able to sleep on the bed. I can still hardly move my right arm, and the entire area from my collar bone into the side of my neck is stiff. The muscles just don't seem to want to relax and I don't know if its just because its still not used to something foreign being under my skin. Ended up being thirty minutes too early to the hospital so Dad and I went to grab a bite at the cafeteria. I wasn't feeling well so I just had some pomegranate blueberry naked juice. Dad got to eat some biscuits in gravy and bacon (while I sit there jealous because I can't eat that anymore!) starting to think he needs to watch what he eats again! I mean really he has to be able to stay alive to see his grandkids and that's going to be about 10-15 years from now! (Unless Bobby and I adopt) Dad thinks that with how stem cells are progressing that if I can't have my own kids the natural way that I can grow some from my own stem cells. That's going to be expensive! But hey I've got 10-15 years to save up right?! I guess this means I can spend a little more on the wedding. HAH. Anyways we ended up back to the image center and ended up talking to the lady "in charge" and talked about our situation over at Banner MD Anderson. She was a bit shocked at how disorganized everything was and how I was being treated, so she ended up taking some things into her own hands to get thing set up for us. My Nurse Navigator (the one whose supposed to keep things straight) wasn't going to be in till 8:30 and my appointment was at 8 so I couldn't talk to her but Dad did. I was escorted to the ultrasound room after talking to Dr. Loving my image radiologist. He explained why I needed the two biopsies and that it could be nothing since my PET scan showed nothing in those areas. However he wanted to be sure since the MRI did. I also got the results from the PET scan and it appears that the cancer has only stuck to the area it's in and the one lymph node. I was so happy to hear this as I had been praying for some form of good news. God really answers when you need him! So I go to the ultrasound room and well there's nothing on the screen showing anything in the tissue. So we end up going to the MRI. They end up seeing the same thing again and decide on the biopsy. Now let me tell you an MRI Biopsy sucks! Your laying on your stomach, you have your boobs squished and if your small like me your ribcage too. This makes it difficult to breathe. So I had a hard time with the whole process because all I wanted to do was move around and get comfortable. Then came the biopsy after the scans were done. This was the worst part because on top of numbing me and putting something in both my breasts I had to get another scan. After the scan I was numbed further and then there was some sort of drilling sound to collect tissue samples. My port all the while was screaming at me as were my sides. I wimped out and cried a bit because it still hurt like hell! But after I was done they told me I did a lot better than most women do with the MRI Biopsy. After that I went in for an "easy" mammogram to see if my clips were in the right place. That hurt thanks to my port. I went and got dressed and my Chemo doctor came in to talk to me as she supposedly trying to contact me the last two days but found out through my nurse navigator that I've been at the hospital the last two days and that's why I have yet to respond! She told me about my prescriptions and my PET scan which I already knew about. Then she said she'd see me on Monday and left. The PET scan was such a relief. Now to just pray about the two I had done today. I was finally discharged and Dad told me he talked to my nurse navigator for me and everything was settled out, including my prescriptions and a few other things. Hopefully all works out and ill be okay on Monday. This day has wiped me out. Good news that makes me happy is that Bobby's folks are flying in today! Sad that his sister didn't come with but maybe next time! He's not too happy about it, but what child is happy about their parents coming to visit? Especially when your apartment is a pigsty that'll give your mom a heart attack *cough* love you Bobby! *cough* hopefully these biopsy sites don't hurt like the last ones but so far they're starting to. Ugh! Sleeping has been difficult with the pain, but it'll subside eventually right? Well here's hoping to tomorrow!

Chemo? Nope!

So today I woke up from sleeping on the couch for the third night in a row (my port hurts so much I can't sleep in a normal position and the couch provides an elevated comfortable way to sleep) my ice pack melted but luckily didn't spill everywhere like the previous night. Mom and Dad were already up getting ready for my first chemo appointment. They have the entire week off, due to going on vacation to see my grandma, but because of my situation had to cancel.. I ended up attempting to take a shower but had some serious trouble getting my clothes back on.. So I had to ask Mom for help, which was embarrassing. I felt like I was five again.. I had a small bowl of my cherry ginger cereal and almond milk, then we were off to the doctors. As I walked in we waited for my name to be called after check-in. When they finally brought me in for my MUGA scan they decided to do an IV instead of use my port because I was still in a lot of pain. My Nurse Navigator (one of the only competent people I've met so far here, other than the nurse following me around my appointments) met me as I was getting my IV and blood work done to create the compound for the scan. I asked her if I could get a PET scan and she was shocked I had yet to get one. She looked at my schedule to find that they had screwed up and rather than getting me a PET scan when they should have before chemo I was scheduled for Tuesday after Chemo. This pissed me off, I am getting very tired of the lack of communication at this place. Then I find out that my ultrasound for tomorrow is actually a biopsy. That has me upset because I think it's unnecessary, and I was mislead. I'm not looking forward to another biopsy when my port still hurts like hell. I'm just getting really annoyed with this place. After settling all of that my chemo appointment was cancelled, since I can't do the PET Scan after chemo. Luckily they were able to squeeze me in today. I'm hoping the cancer hasn't spread elsewhere. With my luck lately, who knows. I'm getting tired of all this jumping around. These are the people I'm supposed to trust my life with? After all the testing was done I ended up requesting my prescription for a numbing agent for my port, as they didn't prescribe me one to begin with. After lunch my Dad and I went to the pharmacy to pick up my prescription. We ended up finding that I had four assigned to me, one of which was the numbing cream. The other three were stomach meds and steroids, of which I believe I am to take BEFORE my chemo starts. What the hell. Why was I not told about any of these medications? I'm starting to really doubt my doctors competency right now. They don't seem to communicate with me or each other. On top of finding out about the prescriptions I also found out that my doctor screwed up the order on the steroids, which my pharmacist is now confused over. He gave me the meds anyways and told me to talk to my doctor. Great. This day was just great. NOT. Dads pissed so much with them that if they don't straighten out what their doing, we're going somewhere else. Sigh what a day. 

It's Nothing...Really.

Back in October of 2012 I started a new job, I won't state where, just that it is a great place for opportunity and a great place filled with mostly good and amazing people. My co-workers are always supportive of me, and I am so grateful to have them by my side. In January my insurance kicked in, and by early February I had an odd feeling of doing a self breast exam. I ended up finding a lump. I wasn't so concerned over it at the time, as I was told that it was most likely a cyst or fibroid due to my being so young. (I mean I am only 23!) Bobby wasn't so convinced but didn't push me to see the doctors as he knew how I felt about it. Two months later, again both Bobby and I had the discussion over it after I felt it again and it began to bother me. This time he was adamant about me seeing a doctor. So taking his word, I went around town trying to see if there were any clinics on my insurance that would accept walk-ins or set me up with an appointment. I first ended up at a place called Solis Benora (a chain of  breast clinics out here in arizona) near my boyfriends apartment. The nurse there sent me away stating that unless I was over 40 I could not make an appointment without a referral. (I thought, and still think this is incredibly stupid) She however did direct me to a doctors office across the street to see if I could get in and make an appointment. I ended up calling Planned Parenthood and setting up an appointment. That day I went in and after hours of waiting as well as going through an unexpected pap smear and pelvic exam, I was referred back to Solis Benora by the Nurse at Planned Parenthood. I ended up going to another of the Solis Benora clinics closer to where I lived, the next week. There I was given a mammogram (painful because they squish your boobs between plastic flat things) and of course because I am so young the mammogram wasn't very useful and I was ordered to do an ultrasound. The ultrasound showed the lump, which looked identical to the surrounding tissue. The doctor at the time who was viewing it at first assured me that he 100% didn't think it was cancer, and that I could either get a biopsy done that day to be sure or follow up in three months. I decided I would rather follow up in three months. I ended up going home thinking that there was nothing wrong with me, until I later got a phone call back from that same doctor, stating he had changed his mind and wanted me to come in for the biopsy. He told me he wasn't sure what it was and wanted to make sure it wasn't a different type of cancer. I was upset. This doctor had assured me it was nothing, still was assuring me it was probably nothing, but wasn't sure what it was and wanted to have it tested. So I ended up scheduling for the biopsy. The next week I was back and ready to go, scared of course and crying of the unexpected. The nurse there was so sweet to me, she made the entire experience less stressful. I am grateful to her for that. I ended up going home with pain, and the doctor again telling me that it was probably nothing. I went home feeling relaxed (a bit in pain) and pushed all negative thoughts behind me. A few days later, I started to worry a bit, talking to Bobby about what would happen if it did end up cancerous. The next day I got the call that changed my life. I was going about my regular business at Bobby's apartment. Playing with the puppies and watching my shows, when I got the call. The doctor told me that he was sorry, but the test results came back positive and that I had cancer. He stated that he was going to send his report to the nurse at planned parenthood and from her I would get the referral to see a Breast Surgeon. He was about to hang up, when I stopped him to ask a few questions, I wanted to know what type of cancer it was as he wasn't very readily giving me that information. He told me it was Invasive Ductal Carcinoma, possibly mucinous. After that I blanked out, hung up after he was done and walked into the bedroom and cried. (I think I called my Dad before that, but that day is a bit fuzzy from the shock) That was about the time Bobby walked in for lunch from work. He got worried and immediately asked me what was wrong, when I gave him the news I could see the contemplation on his face, and then the shock as he realized what this meant. He kept asking me if I was sure, and blubbering I said yes. He gave me a huge bear hug and let me cry out on his shoulder, afterward he called in to his work and asked to have the rest of the day off, not wanting to leave me at home alone in this state of mess. His boss was kind and understanding and let him have the rest of the afternoon to stay home and comfort me. We ended up going to the Planned Parenthood so I could get the referral. After some contemplation I decided I wanted to get a second opinion elsewhere. I ended up going to the Mayo clinic a week later where they gave me much more information. Unfortunately, due to the fact my insurance was not covered with them I ended up going to MD Anderson Cancer Center. My first appointment was nerve wracking, I ended up meeting with my surgeon who gave me my surgical options and ordered more tests including a genetic test. That day I ended up having another biopsy done on my lymph nodes and tested positive for one. The next day I was back in and doing an MRI, after which I was to meet with the Chemo oncologist. She wanted to immediately start me on Chemo FAC-T. This includes the deadly combination so many patients like to refer to as "The Red Devil". I wasn't quite sure why I needed this, but after talking to my folks I went along with it. The doctor immediately scheduled me for a Port-a-Cath procedure.That was something that scared me to no end, looking back now I don't know why I was so afraid. They gave me relaxing medication that had me falling asleep within the first fifteen minutes of surgery. The real pain started afterward when the anesthetic wore off. I got a call today from my surgeon telling me the results of my MRI, she thinks there might be something else in my left breast at 11'oclock. I'm not 100% sure about this, because I had just had the lymph node biopsy done the day before and still had the strips on in that exact area when the MRI was done. I asked her what stage I would be classified at, before she told me that I was a stage 2, now she upped it to Stage 3. This has me a bit worried. Stage 3 is closer to stage 4. She asked if I had a Pet-CT done and I told her that no I didn't, and I wondered why she was asking me that since she was the one ordering all of these appointments. My Dad is getting upset that they are being all over the place with everything and not doing this systematically. It's starting to upset me as well, shouldn't I have had all this done and taken care of before I even started chemo? She's also really pushing for the mastectomy, which I understand could really save my life in the long run. But until I find out about the gene test, it's not something I want to do. I could really use the comfort of Bobby right about now. I guess now I just await for my chemo to start tomorrow..

To the Beginning

It was a Monday, I was going about my normal business (watching TV on my boyfriends flatscreen and playing with the puppies) when I got the phone call that changed the course of my life. The doctor told me that I had Cancer. But before I get into that I should start from the beginning. Bear with me, as this may be somewhat long, but it is important for me to express all of my life's trial's in order to understand where I am and who I am today. If I happen to pass away, this is the legacy I wan't to leave behind, the memories I want to share with those I love, have loved, and will continue to love forever. If you wish to skip to the next blog, that is perfectly fine with me, but to know me, you need to know all of me. So here it begins...

I was born on January 31st, 1990. 10 days later than I should have, because like my Mom, I was always a stubborn brat. I was a tiny little thing, and the doctors wanted to make sure I grew a bit more (I had to wear doll clothes when I was first born, because they didn't make clothes in my size) I honestly can't remember much about my childhood before 4, other than a few important friends I had made in Wichita, Kansas. I remember playing a game that my friend Janet and I had come up with that if memory serves me right we called "Monsters" where we would duck under the window or the bed every time we saw a car drive by below in the parking lot of the apartment complex Janet lived at. My Dad was in the Air Force at the time and around my 5th birthday we moved to Phoenix, Arizona. Honestly those year's flew by so fast I can hardly remember them, but I do remember hating Arizona with a passion ever since we moved there. I didn't like (And to this day do not like) the brown, dry atmosphere of the desert. It's depressing to me, as I am more of a person who enjoys the green scene. When I was younger, I had a very strong leader personality type. I had many, and I mean many friends, all of whom were very important to me. The problem with this is that it made me "somewhat" of a little brat. (More like a hell lot) But I can't discount the fact that I had a few friends that were closer to me than the others. The first person I can remember was Sarah, but my memories of our friendship are far away as she moved a few years later (Her Dad was military as well if memory serves me right). Then there were my friends from the "K-Crew" (or Korean-Crew) as we occasionally refer to now that we are older. I was closest to Jessica when we were younger, we were almost inseparable, but then she had to move away (As her Dad was also military) Now she is older and happily married in Utah. Then there were the ones who held the group together, Gloria, Grace and Daniel. Grace was the oldest, and often times the one I related to the most when growing up. She is sweet and has always been there for me, as was Gloria, but she was always the shy one when we were younger. Both of them gave me so much advice growing up, both in God and in other aspects. I found myself often jealous when they had other friends, as a child, but that was part of growing up. Then there was Daniel, and his group of the guys James and Dale. Oh I could talk horribly about how they teased me growing up, but without them I wouldn't have had much of a backbone when it came to guys. I distinctly remember when we were fascinated by Pokemon, that I was tricked into trading my Venusaur card for a Gyarados card, later did I realize that the trade was definitely not worth it. (I believe I eventually got the card back) If not for those group of boys, I don't think I would have become so fascinated with video games. Smash brothers, Mario Cart, Pong, and Tomb Raider were big aspects of my childhood life. There was also Janice, the younger sister of James, growing up I don't think we liked each other that much as kids, but Janice was very reserved and quiet to me when we were younger. Now she is a beautiful young lady, and we sometimes talk. Later on came little Jessica, Harnaie, and her little sister. Boy have they grown up! It's sometimes hard to believe it was so long ago, it feels almost like it was just yesterday. Then there was the other spectrum of friends that I had growing up, there was Ashley (Boy did we have lots of adventures!) Jennifer (To this day I don't know where she is located as we lost touch, and I do miss her), Alicia, Ayla, and many others. They had held all of my greatest and best memories growing up, my happiest years if memory serves me correct.

Then there were the crushes, Bobby who I crushed on as a child before moving away (I swore I'd marry him someday, low and behold it would be a Bobby but NOT that one), and Ryan. Ryan was a pretty good friend growing up, one I swear I would never like because of his constant teasing of me, but eventually while walking home one afternoon he wore these dorky glasses, and instantly I had a crush. Something about those glasses I think. Then there was John, well John came before Ryan, and he was more than just a crush. I swore that I loved the guy, at the time, looking back I just realize it was puppy love. None of these guys I dated, just pursued and was told no. Ryan gave me the honor of my first real slow dance, I was stunned that he accepted to dance with me, and it was a very happy moment in my life. (So thanks Ryan)

Then there came my first boyfriend Jimmy (or James), he was a sweetheart, and really cared for me even though he had a tough time expressing it sometimes (boy could he kiss). What eventually led to our break up was solely on me, I was getting annoyed with him at every moment, I had a tough time with his sarcasm (I eventually, finally got over this block with sarcasm) But it has becomes one of my regrets in life, however it is one that I would not change. I did love him at the time, and I should have pursued the chance to grow together. I did not, and our lives took different paths, possibly for the better in both cases. He is a very intellectual man now with a bright future ahead of him, and we very often talk. He gives me good food for thought, not "Advice", and is a well respected and great friend in my life today. Without him as a close friend, I don't think I would have been able to get by in some tough times. Then there was David, my long distance relationship. David was a total sweetheart when we were dating, the kindest one in the four guys of my relationship life. He spoiled me often, and I treated him poorly. I regret that, I sometimes feel like I tarnished his soul. Still I would not have changed anything about it. Eventually I broke it off, the long distance was killing me and truth be told I had gradually lost my feelings for him over the time. We still occasionally talk, but he has become a very sarcastic bastard (hah! :) Although he is still very caring, and I suspect always will be a silly, funny and sweet guy). Then there came Mackenzie, but I won’t speak of him just yet as he had a huge impact on my life, that changed me as a person for the better.

What I wanted to talk about next were my best friends, the two people I loved the most in the whole world growing up. I still love them very dearly but our friendship is tattered from the course of time. When we fell apart I was shattered, heartbroken and at a point of despair. I later realized though that without the fallout half of the things I needed to experience would never have happened. I only regret never telling one of them to stay away from a guy who I felt ruined her sanity, her childhood. If I could change that one thing in my life, it would be to tell her to stay far away from him. But without him she would never have created her beautiful baby boy, and for that the past cannot be changed, no matter how grim the outcome. My girlfriend’s names are Stephanie and Melanie. I had always been closest to Melanie growing up, but when the three of us became friends I was an intruder. This was in 6^th grade, when I had met the two of them officially. Stephanie and Melanie had been inseparable best friends long before I came into the picture, and there were often times fights between us, stronger as we got older. (Most I think were my fault) Stephanie had told me before that she did not like my intrusion on the friendship, but she later came to realize and tell me that she was wrong in thinking that way because all I had ever done was treat her with friendship and love. It was all I ever wanted with the two of them. As we got older and our friendship got stronger, we believed to be inseparable. That was where we were wrong, because along with growing up, different aspects of life started to pour in. The one thing that broke us we’re the men in our lives. I had once believed, and I think Stephanie might have as well, that I would be the one to leave the friendship for a guy. Imagine our shock when it was Melanie, the one who held our group together like glue. This happened around the time we were 16, after a horrible break up with her ex, she landed in the arms of her current/former husband. At the time we thought he was the best thing to happen to her, in hindsight we think he was the worst. We drifted, she spending all her time with him, often flaking out on plans we made to try and stick together. If it wasn’t that, it was him tagging along with her to every place we went. I still saw this habit even later when we had an attempt at rekindling the friendship. This was something that we couldn’t stand; we felt she had no privacy, no self-reliance that she couldn’t say no to him. It wasn’t the Melanie I remembered, or loved. But I tried my hardest to hold onto her, I did not want our friendship to end, but there came a breaking point. Several times. She often tells me now that back then she had no confidence; she could never stand up for herself with anyone. I think back at those times, and remember that it was often true, however when it came to me she always stood her ground, she asked for help when she couldn’t. That to me was brave, because being brave sometimes requires you to ask for help, when you can’t face your fears alone. I realize that more now than ever. I am not going to lie and say that the guy didn’t give her some form of bravery, an ability to stand up for herself more now than ever. Eventually our conversations got shorter as did our friendship our senior year of high school. I was busy going to community college my senior year and was never on campus, due to the dual enrollment program I was in. Stephanie was my rock and my center, as the other friends we had made did not think fondly of me due to something I had done in the past, and definitely regret to this day. If I could take it back, I sincerely would. Sorry for slapping you Jacob, my old woman chivalry way of thinking back then was a bit naïve and snobbish. I am sure that the whole downfall of our friendship was hardest on Stephanie, it took her years just to get over it, dragging into our friendship in college. That’s when she and I had our fallout, it was entering into my second year of college and she told me around her birthday that she no longer wished to be my friend. I was heartbroken and devastated, because at that point she was my last true friend I had at the time, other than my then boyfriend. I wanted so desperately to reach to her and beg her not to leave, but my boyfriend at the time took away my phone and told me not to do it. I remember him throwing it in the backseat of my car at the parking lot at the movie theater, I had gotten pissed at him, but he had told me that there was no point in trying to get someone’s friendship back who wanted nothing to do with me. Stephanie later told me that this was wrong, that I should have reached out to her, but she also thanks him because if I had she would not have had her opportunity to grow up and to realize all that I had been to her. By this time Melanie had gotten married, and moved to Illinois. We rarely talked, as she was busy with her life and I with mine. I felt completely alone, with only Mackenzie to lean on.

This is where his story comes into play, I met Mackenzie on my very first day of college at Art School. I remember distinctly that morning what had brought my attention to him. We were all asked a question in class whether or not we believed in God. Most people chose not to raise their hands in either direction, while a few (myself included) raised our hands stating we believed. Mackenzie was, possibly the only one who raised his hand saying he didn’t. He was questioned on this, and responded rationally. He was average height (tall to me), with curly sandy blonde hair matted down with gel. He wasn’t my biggest pick on the handsome guys in the room, but he intrigued me in a way the others didn’t. We ended up working on a homework assignment together, and shared our first kiss. A few weeks later, after a pool party at Stephanie’s place (and endless swimming with him never letting me leave his arms) he asked me out at midnight to be his girlfriend, stating “I never kiss a girl I am not dating” I gladly accepted. But only two weeks into our relationship, I felt I wasn’t ready for another relationship as I had broken off with David a few months prior and had wanted to find myself and my independence. I ended up breaking it off with him, he was upset and didn’t understand why, but told me that he would wait for me no matter what as he had felt I was the one for him. We ended up staying friends for the three months we remained separated, those three months were the worst. He annoyed me worse than James ever had, and I could never figure out why. Finally I realized why he annoyed me, I liked him too much and it annoyed me that I had given up so quickly because I was afraid. I was afraid to fall in love, and get hurt. But when I realized this I told him I wanted to get back together. This was on October 6^th, when we officially got back together as a couple. I fell hard, and even harder when my last friend left me. I became dependent on Mackenzie, so dependent that I couldn’t make other friends, didn’t want to because I was afraid they would hurt me the same way. I later realized this was a big mistake, as it pushed him away from me. He wasn’t the only thing I needed in my life at the time. I was insecure after everything that had happened, even more insecure when I had found out he was still talking to his ex from high school. An ex that wanted him back, and made fun of me when he wasn’t looking. But he told me he couldn’t abandon his friendship with her, and he didn’t until later on, just to spare my feelings. With him I was jealous, every girl that came into his life I thought wanted a piece of him. I was afraid at any moment he would leave me. I held on too tightly to realize that I was squeezing him from my arms, I wasn’t giving him room to breathe. He was the first guy and I had thought the last guy that I would share an intimate moment with, one that I probably shouldn’t have done, but did. It helped me to grow up a bit realizing what I had done, and realizing that the world didn’t work the way I thought it did. That no one can stay innocent forever. We argued, often, because of my insecurities and distrust in him. But not all of our relationship was bad, we had many good memories together. Trips to visit his eldest sister in California, his parents, youngest sister and brother in the upper region of Arizona. His family was and still is very important to me, they are among the kindest, sweetest people that I have had the privilege of meeting. There were tough times, especially now, that I don’t think I would have been able to face if not for their wisdom, and kindness. They are great friends that I have in my life, and I will always greatly appreciate what they have done for me. In December of 2010, two weeks before my graduation he and I had a huge fight. This fight led over into the course of three days, escalating so badly the third day that I admit to having done something stupid. That’s when he decided I was no longer someone he wanted in his life. I had been so blinded by my insecurities, rage, and unhappiness that over time I had lost the one thing at the time I loved the most. The one person I never wanted to lose, because I relied on him so much. The break-up was devastating, so devastating that I couldn’t eat or sleep for weeks. (I now have creases between my eyebrows, due to when I could sleep, I slept in pain). In that course of time, I tried desperately to get him back, something I admit was pathetic. I had a tough time trying to get my finals finished because all I wanted to do was sleep and cry. If it wasn't for a few classmates (Ginger, Matt, Scott, Nick, Maria, Kristen and Kyra) as well as a few other friends (Eli, Keith, Bellamy, Emi and Katie) I don't really know how I could've pulled through it. Each one had their own perspective and experience that brought new light to my troubled mind. When I realized that no matter what I did would never get him back to me, I took the hard path to healing. I decided to end our friendship, or what was left of it. He was pissed, I don’t think I could’ve ever explained to him that I needed the time away to heal. That I needed the distance from him, otherwise I would have kept on being desperate, I would have kept on loving him until I was an empty shell of nothing. I took the time to heal in S. Korea, with my family and loved ones I don’t get to see often. When I returned I was still desperate for him, but the blow was lessened. I was no longer thinking often of suicide, or death, I was beginning to think about myself and that I could heal and move on from this. I decided to take up an opportunity in Los Angeles with a PR firm to help me further along with my healing. I felt if I stayed in Arizona the memories would eventually lead me back down, seeing that room that he lived in for so long everyday wore me out. I remember missing him so much that I would cry my heart out on the floor. It was a very pathetic and desperate time for me. So when I moved to California, things began to look brighter, until my car accident that ended up totaling my car leaving me to rely on the metro bus system for three months. I almost relapsed and attempted to contact him, but Maria, whom I was never close previously, stuck by my side and told me not to do it. She held me together along with my friends Kenny and James, among a few others who encouraged me to keep going. I learned so much from my 3 months’ time in California, I learned independence, and self-reliance. I learned how to stand up for myself and how the working world works, I learned how to party (something I never thought I’d do), how to be outgoing and fun. I learned how to live for myself and no one else, and to be strong and confident. I learned how to be patient, to meditate when I was angry or upset, and to go with life's flow as best as I could. I learned, later that if he hadn’t left me I would have never taken this path and I would never have gotten to where I am today. I would have never found who I am with today, and I would never have had this opportunity to find true selfless love. And for that I am grateful to Mackenzie, even though I may never be able to tell him that. 

After a while I contemplated on joining the Air Force, I returned to Arizona and was in processing. During this I had been offered a job at THQ. It was the best change of my life that I didn’t realize until much later, something that I am so grateful for, words cannot even describe it. I decided to end processing for the Air Force and stay with THQ, I made many friends who I should have probably made friendships with in college. There was Carl, the Stephanie’s, Baker, DJ, Luis, Matt and many more. My experience with THQ was fun and amazing for my first paid job. It was full of happiness and laughter and amazing memories. And then, a year and half after the breakup he came into my life through a co-worker of mine. A joy that I cannot express with just words, someone so important to me I wouldn’t even realize just how important until I was diagnosed with Cancer. So thanks James for introducing us!

His name is Bobby, we met one day when taking a hike up Camelback Mountain. He was a friend of James, who was going to show us the way up the mountain. My first reaction was being shy. He was handsome, in a cowboy sort of sense with his brown hair, light blue eyes, white shirt, red hat and jeans. He caught my attention immediately when he decided to be a daredevil and climb up the steep slope that people rarely tread on Camelback. I was ready in hand asking James if he knew Bobby’s girlfriends number or even his parents. (Bobby didn’t have a girlfriend) I’m still not so sure to this day if that was the first day Bobby had noticed me, but he definitely did the second time we went hiking. I flashed him on accident twice. First my jeans ripped in the back, and then the second time a bug flew into my bra and, without realizing he was watching, I leaned over to try and get it out. I was so embarrassed, and apparently so was he judging by his bright red face. He took notice that I was afraid of heights when both he and Stephachu (friend from work) were practically dragging me up the slope of the mountain, and that was how our first date started off. I played coy when he asked me out figuring that he wasn’t really interested in me and was just being a nice guy. Our first date was at a rock climbing gym, boy was that fun but nerve wracking. We ended the date at the tempe market place with ice cream and letting him talk all about himself. (At the time I figured let the guy talk the first date, then explain yourself on the second). At that point on it was bliss, he was a real gentleman. The second date we went to the movies and I decided to dress up nicely, show my feminine side. That’s when we had our first kiss, and I knew I was in for a long journey with this one. I didn’t realize it at the time, but I later found out that he was diabetic. Type 1 diabetes, which has me worried about him a lot as I don’t want him to die so early. Bobby is about 2-3 years older than me (depending on the year). When we met he was 25 and I was 22, but age didn’t really matter much to either of us at that point. We only went out on a few dates, as with the many dates I had previously in the year and a half being single, I took caution to see where he stood before making our relationship official. I remember that night pretty well, I had gone out to a co-workers house party, and being still around that young drinking experimental age I ended up drinking more than what I wanted. This entire time he had been texting me, making sure I was okay and that I was being watched (and later learned secretly protected) by James. (Which wasn't necessary) Since he couldn't be there himself as his folks were in town that week. I remember that night spilling out my fears to him, stating that I really liked him and was afraid that it wouldn't lead anywhere. He texted me back with a reply that stopped my heart, he told me he had a secret, and that secret was that he really liked me too and thought we should make our relationship official. He has no idea how giddy I was after that. (I think Stephachu can attest to my giddiness). As with our work schedule, dates were limited, and so was our time seeing each other. We often texted nonstop asking about each others lives and different questions (as every relationship starts out) and found out that we had a lot in common. (I saved our entire text conversations, because I like to re-read them and reminisce about how we first started out). As our relationship grew, so did the conversations about a future together. This time I was not the one to bring it up (Although I was the one to say I love you first, accidentally! But he reassured me by saying I love you too.) I was surprised that he was the one actually asking me about kids and marriage! It was a shock, because in every other relationship I have ever had I had been the one to bring the topic up. Here I was baffled with this man, who actually genuinely wanted a future with me. (I’m still baffled to this day) As time grew on, I met his folks, his sister and the rest of his family. They are absolutely wonderful, so supportive of each other, and they can definitely tease each other to no end! It was the type of family I imagined wanting for myself someday. It felt right, and so did my relationship with him. We hit rocky times here and there, but each time we made it through the bouts. He is someone who loves selflessly and endlessly, and goes to great strengths to show it. He has done nothing but treat me with honesty, respect, dignity and the love I have always wanted and deserve even if I tell myself I don’t. Without him, I realize I wouldn’t be able to make it through this tough time, or any tough time. He holds me together more than he even knows it himself. And I know, it shouldn’t be that way that I should be dependent on myself. But that’s just how much he means to me. Without him I fear for my own future, he makes me a stronger better person than I ever was. I love him so much, and my parents love him as well more so than I have ever seen them love anyone else in my life. Especially my Dad. It’s a shock how well they get along and how much they have in common. (I mean they go camping and fishing together without me!) Bobby has no idea how important he is to my life, but someday I hope he does. I probably don't tell him that enough, but he truly means everything to me. (Next to my parents and God that is!) Sometimes I do take him for granted, mainly because I am trying my hardest not to slip to my old self, become too clingy and hold him too tightly. And so I often forget to tell him how much what he does means to me. (But when I do tell him he's usually in shock, and it makes him very happy, or suspicious that I am up to something!) We both need our space and our own time after all! We're not attached at the hip 24/7! Which has allowed us to grow even more as a couple. (Although right now I wish we were attached at the hip 24/7) We celebrated our one year anniversary on February 6th at the restaurant The Melting Pot (Amazing fondue) I was hoping for a proposal at this time, but to my not entirely surprised expectations, we just happily celebrated the day we met. I guess I was just a bit jealous over the fact that his best friend Zach had proposed to Kacie (a good friend) the month previously and they had been dating less than we had. But as Bobby has explained to me, he want's to make sure we are ready and not rushing into it, to take our time as a regular couple before journeying into a married couple. Sometimes I forget about this, because my want to always be with him and be there for him overwhelm me and my fears of losing him bubble up. But in my heart I know that he would never leave, as he has assured me many times that I am stuck with him even after we die (We'll be meeting by the diet mountain dew fountain and puppy ball pit) And he has proven time and time again, that he has every intention of sticking around. On Valentine's day Bobby bought me a promise ring, a beautiful heart shaped aquamarine white gold ring that I wear around my neck everyday on a necklace his mother bought for me (Except lately due to all the surgeries I've been having) I'm still waiting on that proposal, (Like any girl would!) but I am waiting on Bobby's terms, as he wants the right "moment" for it. Sometimes this makes me a bit edgy, because our time is limited. Possibly now more than before, with him being Diabetic and I now having cancer. I pray that we both make it to at least 80, but neither of us can see into the future. I would propose to him myself, but we're both old fashioned in those terms. So I have to learn to be patient with this, because the second he told me he wanted to marry and started talking about the wedding and future, off raced my mind. (And it's a pain to shut off! I warned him of that!) I try to take the steps now not to think about it, so I don't end up pestering him when the big day is (I shouldn't know when the big day is!) But occasionally I will slip up, when the fear of one of us passing away before that can ever happen slips into my thoughts. Just the thought of being his wife makes me extremely happy, spending the days together and growing old. It's something I can actually see happening and hold on to for strength. But this future often makes me forget the present, and the present is what should count. I've come to realize this, and attempt to cherish each day with him like it's our last. Often times we see an old couple while we are out, and point stating "look see that couple there? That's looking into the future, that's going to be us" (Bobby is the one who often says this the most) It's the little things like that, that make me realize I am very lucky to be with the man I have now, and how important it is to cherish him every day of my life.

This is the story that leads all up to when I found out I had Breast Cancer…