Final week before Chemo Treatment #3

Sorry guys, my post's have been less and less lately. As the 2nd treatment came around I was pretty much dead weight the first week. I slept through the first four days, barely staying awake the entire time because the nausea was just that bad. I didn't throw up at all, but I was just sick to my stomach the entire time. I'd feel great after waking up and then 30 minutes later a headache and the nausea would hit me and I'd be back out a few minutes after that. The only thing that helped me this time around was sleeping. I couldn't eat anything really for four days. I was even having trouble drinking water, which was bad because I could feel myself getting dehydrated. It was a serious pain trying to take any of my medications without wanting to just throw up at the thought. (Luckily one was a dissolve and it helped, but unfortunately it also caused a major headache which made the nausea feel worse after an hour) By the time Sunday rolled around I was still pretty sick but I went to work anyways. Going to work helped a bit, but I was nauseated by the end of the day, I had a ton of mints on hand to help distract my mind from thinking about hurling. Luckily Monday's are my "friday's" so I ended up going to an 8-hour training class and then was home by 1. Because of the training I flexed my schedule and got Thursday off, working an extra hour Friday and Saturday to make up for the 2 hours I missed Thursday (Since I only technically got 3 hours off since I work 5 hours a day). By the end of July, I am switching to an afternoon shift starting from 1:30 and ending around 6:30, with Fridays/Saturdays off. This is great because it means I won't have to schedule friday off in October to attend Kacie and Zach's wedding. (I am a bridesmaid and don't want to miss out on it! I still have to order my shoes and dress though!) However I did apply for Full-time (They opened up some new slots) and another job in the agency. I don't know if I will get either slots, but that can effect my schedule/days off depending on where I am placed. In all honesty I don't care about days off or what time I work, mainly because that changes every 6 months and with enough patience I will eventually get a schedule with weekends off. But it really doesn't bother me because regardless of my schedule I can still make time for my friends, unless I am REALLY sick (which lately I have been). I am just lucky to have understanding amazing friends who are going through this with me, it makes me feel like all the heartache I went through as a kid finally came to a stop. There has been a "wee" bit of drama in the last few weeks, but I nipped it in the bud before it could spread like wildfire. The drama was none of my business and I didn't want to put up with it, wouldn't put up with it. I've just come to that point in my life where I don't want to deal with drama, don't mind watching it on TV as long as its INTERESTING drama like the show Revenge, but not if it's stupid drama like Bridezilla's. (I can't stand that show anymore, I get annoyed and pissed every time I watch it) I just don't want it in my life, and I chose to ignore the drama the majority of the time, especially if it doesn't involve me.

As for that first initial week, most of what's been going on has been normal. There was something that was very interesting that has happened this last week.. Wait for it...

Bobby and I got our first house! Yup! A few days ago Bobby surprised me by taking me to our future home,  (granted he told me at first we did not get it, wanted it to be a surprise and of course because I don't like surprises, initially I was not too happy when he told me we got it). Basically what happened was this, Bobby's Mom called, then he looked at me and told me we didn't get the house because the bank wanted 198k for it and we were only willing to pay 193k for it. Okay no big deal, onto the next one right, just mean't more house hunting (I learned early NOT to get my hopes up with any of the houses because the ones I really liked we didn't get and I was majorly bummed out and discouraged.) So after dinner he suggested we go see the house, me being oblivious, I said "Okay, but I don't see the point in going to look at it since we didn't get it, but if you really want to go show me the type of house you're looking for then I guess" So the second we got there, I started nitpicking at it, in my mind thinking well might as well nitpick and convince myself why this is a terrible home and not right for us. Bobby then gets a call from his Mom, and I start to voice my opinions on the house, to which Bobby stares at me and says "Emily, stop, we got the house this place is ours." Of course, it doesn't actually hit me that the house is really ours until about 30 minutes after we leave the place, since the whole time my mindset was "We didn't get the house!" So of course this makes Bobby upset, because I "ruined his surprise" which I told him FROM the beginning that I would if he made it a surprise, not my fault he didn't want to listen to me when I warned him from the start! The whole reason why I didn't want him to surprise me with it is because the second he tells me we didn't get the house, my mindset goes into "this house wasn't right for us anyways and here's all the reasons why" So when he says that then immediately switches it, I have to retract all those bad thought's, and once you've convinced yourself something "isn't right" it's hard to convince yourself back into "it is right". So it took me about an hour to talk to him and explain where I was coming from, afterwards he wasn't so upset anymore once he understood exactly what I mean't when I told him not to surprise me, because I knew how I was going to react and I was just trying to prevent him from getting upset with my initial reaction. Finally with both of us on the same page we started to show our excitement over the house, with a small trip to Home Depot yesterday, we started looking at items to upgrade our house with. We're definitely going to be spending some money on new lights for the front yard, doorknobs for inside the house, and LOTS of flowers/vines/trees for both the front and backyard. I definitely know that I am going to be getting some Gardenia's, I just haven't decided if I am putting them in the front yard or backyard, and I saw a few lovely blue flowers that I intend to plant in the front. (I also wanted Poppy's but Bobby said their poisonous for the dog's and so it's a no go on those even though I was gonna put them in the front yard). Bobby and I are thinking of getting a grape vine to place over the backyard porch, since there's this holed fence type of thing attached to it. We thought the grape vine would look amazing if it grew over it, rather than the vine that's currently on it (Although Bobby kind of want's to keep that vine, so I am willing to do a half/half thing with it, or build another wall on the other side of the porch for the grapes) I do know I am planting a peach tree in the backyard for sure, along with my garden and Bobby's herb garden. We already have a Pomegranate tree, and some other fruit tree that we're not sure if it's a lemon, orange tree or what. We're just not entirely sure where everything will be placed just yet, but in a few week's we will have it planned out :)! I'm very excited to start on my garden though, it's all going to be so pretty! There's also a shed in the backyard which Bobby kind of want's to get rid of, but I suggested we just turn it into a giant dog house for the pups. Granted I don't know how old the shed is, how much space it's taking up. If it's too old/rusted out and taking up too much space then I will agree with him on it needing to go. I do know there are a few plants in the backyard, like the bushes up against one of the windows, that I would like to remove. I don't really see the point in having them and on top of it, they are taking up space where we could put other plants that we actually do want (like Bobby's herb garden for example). Bobby also want's to install astroturf in the backyard rather than real grass because it's a pain to maintain. I agree with him on the real grass being a pain, and the first house that I loved had astroturf in it, and I did think it looked very nice. But that's something that he's going to have to make the decision on because I am fine with whatever in that matter. Overall it's a nice cozy place for a starter home, I do wish it was a little bit bigger, but since Bobby and I don't intend on starting a family in the next 10-15 years a small house is enough for us. I think maybe some astroturf in the front yard would be good too, that dead grass kind of makes it look dreary. Then again Bobby intends on doing something special with the front yard, so the astroturf placement is solely up to where he and his Mom wants to put it. I just can't wait to officially get the key's and start working on making it ours!


Granted I won't be moving in 100% until all my treatment is done and over with, but that was kind of something that is expected since my folks are the ones watching over me the most during all this and Bobby has to work majority of the time, so he won't have the time to look after me 24/7. Mom pretty much told me that I won't be able to move in until probably sometime in January, which I SORT OF agree with, however it's not her decision when I move in and I don't appreciate her telling me when I can and can't move and I made this clear to her. Luckily it was just me misunderstanding her, and she said she didn't mean to make it sound like she was trying to tell me what to do. But I do agree with her about not 100% moving in just yet, especially with all this Chemo treatment, the pups, my immune system, and the fact that I am just out of commission for an entire week and half during treatment. Most likely what will happen is that I will split my time between the two places until I can fully move in. My expectation is to be moved in 100% by October, but I don't know how exactly that will go as planned.

I am just excited to take this next step in our lives toward our future together. I mean it's a huge step! I am a little concerned about our Dog's, as Bobby has Laverne and we share Bubba and then I have Bubbles here at home with me. And then there's the K9-Unit job that I am waiting on a response from, which would add another dog to our family. Bobby told me that I would have to choose between the K9 (Which is a requirement for my JOB, if I get hired) and Bubbles. I didn't think that was right of him to say to me, but at the same time I understand what he means, four dogs is a big responsibility. Not to mention, we haven't been able to get Bubbles and Laverne to get along with each other 100%. They kind of get along when they're at a stand still at the door, but the second we get them outside, Bubbles charges Laverne because of her excitement which makes Laverne scared because Bubbles is much bigger than her and probably more intimidating (even though she is a sweetheart, and admittedly a scaredy cat, I mean come on she whimpers when Bubba snaps at her and hides behind me! She could bite Bubba's head off if she wanted to!) Thus this makes Laverne snap at Bubbles. So I really don't know what to do, I don't want to leave Bubbles at home with my parents for the remainder of her life, she is my dog after all. At the same time I don't want to cause an issue by bringing her with me, so I am conflicted.

I'm also conflicted about what I can and can't bring with me in regards to my own stuff. I guess I just feel like Bobby is only expecting me to move in with a few bags of clothes and that's all, nothing else. Which to me doesn't make sense. I have thing's too, like a dresser (which doesn't match his dresser/night stand and so he doesn't want me bringing it because it "doesn't match") an expensive computer (which we don't know where we're going to put yet, and I am NOT leaving it behind because I spent about 2,000$ on the thing, I will most likely be buying a new desk for it though). I have books that I intend on bringing with me, and a few other things. I don't know, in this situation it kind of makes me feel like he's not really thinking about me fully when he tells me what I can't bring with me because it doesn't "fit him and what he wants". And that, I don't think is right. He asked me to move in with him, and if he want's me there then he has to accept all my "baggage" too right? I don't know, I feel kind of stressed out about that sort of thing. I mean he's asking me to abandon my own stuff that I had every intention of bringing with me when I moved out of my folks place. When it came to the dresser he "kind of" agreed to "maybe" put it in the guest bedroom. How about we just move it to our room and put his dresser in the guest bedroom seeing as how my dresser is bigger than his and has a mirror attached to it! Ugh I don't know, it's not something I want to think about really right now until we actually start moving our stuff. Even though I already am thinking about it. It's not really worth arguing over, but it doesn't make me feel very welcomed either. I do know he want's a piano, and since I have one we might be taking that. (My aunt bought it for me and I don't really see my Mom ever using it, and I know Bobby will because he fiddles with it every time he's over, but again in this situation it's something he wants) I mean he plans on moving his motorcycle down from Illinois, on top of it he wants to leave the garbage bins in the garage. How are we going to fit our cars in the garage on top of the garbage bins AND his motorcycle? I don't know, I don't think we should leave the garbage bins in the garage just because I am afraid it's going to stink the garage up because of the heat cooking it. I just sometimes don't feel like he's thinking realistically about all of this, then again I can't read his mind, and right now I think I'm attempting to and just not getting it. Ughhh, we will just have to see what happens when it comes down to it. I'll have to wait and see what his Mom say's about all this, I know she will be realistic about it all, and her opinion matter's in this situation! (I'm okay with him bringing the motorcycle down, just because I refuse to let him drive it in the city, I don't mind him driving it around the neighborhood or taking it up to the back roads where there's no traffic) But I am with his Mom and my own Mom on Motorcycles, they are widow makers and from listening to my Dad's stories about his motorcycle experiences I am a bit wary on them, granted I've always wanted my own motorcycle so again I am conflicted on the situation! But the Motorcycle is not something I will argue with him about, he's wanted it and so the only person he will have to fight about on it will be his Mom. I am staying out of that argument! I don't know maybe I am making a mountain out of a mole hill on this situation, and just whining about nothing. But then again maybe I'm not. I mean he keeps saying its "our house" but I feel like he's acting as if it's just "his house". Bah maybe I am just over reacting. It's not like it's a big deal anyways, and it's just something I'm going to have to deal with when the time actually comes around to move in. So I guess I will worry about it then. Bobby's just probably too excited about getting the house that his mind is just racing a mile a minute about it.

I am excited about the garden though! I can't wait! Strawberries, watermelons, lettuce, cucumbers, tomatoes, jalapeno peppers, carrots! It's going to be exciting finally being able to have one! And then being able to use all the stuff we grew in our food! It's really exciting to me :) Finally I can have my own kitchen and I can cook nice home made meals for Bobby and I and he won't have to eat out at lunch or breakfast anymore. And I can experiment cooking sugar free baked goods! It won't be a small kitchen either which makes me happy, because the kitchen in his apartment makes me feel cramped, and of course I can't really do anything at home because my Mom just thinks I am making a mess and then she complains about me making too many "sweets". So it'll be nice to get away from that. The Master bedroom bathrooms are nice too, the sinks are separated on opposite sides of each other so both Bobby and I will have our own space. I haven't seen the bath/shower yet but I am hoping that they are separated and not combined, but again I haven't seen the inside of the house. Hopefully I'll actually get to see the inside of it soon! I just can't wait to start working on it and making it Ours!

So yea that's pretty much been the last two weeks. Lot's of exciting things and some not so exciting things. I am really excited about the house though now that I got over my mindset that we didn't get it! Yippee!! I wonder what color we're going to paint the bedroom and bathroom...

Session #2 day 2

Ugh last night sucked. Nausea again. It was somewhat manageable so I didn't throw up or have heart burn like symptoms but it still sucked. I had Bobby watching me till my Mom got home around 8. We were both taking a nap, which is what I've been doing all day today. The Ativan seems to make me feel depressed once it wears off. That I don't like so I definitely force myself to sleep it off. It doesn't help that the other medication I take gives me a headache which sometimes makes the nausea feel worse. Ugh it's a win-lose situation. Either I feel great or I feel terrible. Luckily this time around I know better than to eat solid food for the first four days, and to avoid anything I can't stand. Sleeping also helps me out a ton. It's kind of weird though when It gets really hot, my head sweats. That's an odd feeling because with hair I never felt it. Ugh lol. Anyways I'm gonna go back to sleep after I nibble on some peach. Bobby isn't coming over to watch me today so I figured I'll just sleep all day and make sure this Ativan gets out of my system. 

Chemo infusion #2!

Okay so here's the day. Chemo infusion #2! Hope this is better than the last, but I don't think it will be. I haven't posted much in the last week or so just because there wasn't much to say since everything's been normal ever since I got my blood results. Still wearing a mask to work, and oh I'm now bald! Yep shaved my head because the hair was falling out in clumps.. Didn't want to go to work with a giant bald spot! I was surprised to see how perfectly round my head is, could've sworn the top would be flat just because I have no problems balancing items on top of it and running around without it falling off. Now what excuse do I have to explain it! Lol Bobby and I are still looking at houses but its gotten discouraging. The second we find a nice one its gone within the hour. My Dad keeps trying to convince us to look at new houses in the area, I found one that was in my opinion perfect for price, size of the house and backyard. Not to mention the neighborhood is fit for Bobby, hiking trails, mountain view, green parks, (for me I believe there's a community tennis court) The only downside to it is Bobby thinks its "too far" and he doesn't want to spend extra on gas money going to work. But hey he won't be spending extra gas money to come visit me at my folks place anymore which is kind of saving him money for gas for work right? Not to mention jobs change (unless you plan on being stuck in that position forever) and I know he's looking to move up. So I don't know. He can't base his opinion just on the now, especially if its a house were going to be in for 10+ years. What if his next job is further away from the house we do get?? I don't know honestly. I frankly speaking, don't care about distance over the quality of my home. It's where you go to de-stress, relax, and enjoy time away from work. It's home. Distance between work and home aren't really an issue to me unless its like a 2 hour commute. But 30-45 minutes? That's pretty much normal to me. I guess he's just more worried about the money he has to spend on gas. If he had a better paying job, the distance probably wouldn't bother him at all. Oh well.. We will keep looking until that house is found! I'm not too worried about what houses we look at, I trust his moms opinions on the houses that we're shown if I wasn't able to make it. It's Bobby's opinion I'm a bit iffy on xD. He's gotten better though! I just hope we can find it before being so discouraged that we give up :(.. I ended up going to church with my dad yesterday. It was his church which I haven't been to in years. It was sweet going and seeing old memories flood back while I was there. It seems to have gotten smaller, I was supposed to talk to an old friend because she had cancer and is now good with four kids. But she wasn't there for some reason, I was a bit embarrassed when they pulled me up front with another lady and had us sit down and everyone to come over and pray for us. I started crying for some reason. I guess I was heartfelt, I did find it a little odd that my old pastor was kissing my cheeks. But he's known me since I was 5. Still was a bit awkward. But overall it was a good experience.

So besides that I'm waiting on my blood test results for today so I can proceed with treatment. :/ I guess something's going on with the lab and they are taking forever to process my results. Usually it takes 30 minutes. Wonder why it's taking so long today. I'm pretty tired though, think I might end up taking a nap during the infusion. Bobby and I had game night with Zach, Kacie and Devin last night before I have to go back into seclusion. I ended up going to bed at midnight, so I'm slightly tired. Which might be a good thing, it may help me get through Day 1 a bit better. I'm not too excited about my Mom taking care of me. It seems like she's always yelling at me every time she comes home. It's starting to wear me out. If its not over what I'm eating, it's over the fact I'm sleeping too much, (which is NORMAL) or I'm not getting enough exercise, or I'm on the computer too much (one day, two hours max) or I'm not reading in the right light. Or I'm always siding with my Dad (which I never said I was) Or that she wishes I was raised differently (she ALWAYS says this) or she starts talking about how when I'm older and have kids I won't be able to work etc etc. to which I reply, well no because if I'm the one making more money then Bobby is going to be the one staying home with the kids. Life doesn't WORK the way it used to! Times have changed. It just gets on my nerves because she thinks she's having a conversation with me. When all it is, is her telling me what to do. I don't find that much of a conversation when I'm not supposed to speak. I mean really might as well be talking to a brick wall at that point. 

Got my blood results back and everything is looking very good. I guess in terms of my body working I'm cruising along (save for the nausea)! So they sent me up to infusion, and now I'm just waiting on my order to be sent up so I can start this and get going home. I got good news though! They added new nausea medication to give me before the chemo starts! FINALLY, one that I recognize as being one of the best to get! Emend! I've heard in terms of nausea it is a life saver! I really hope it works wonders for me! So many other survivors mention it as being amazing. The last time I guess the medications they give me are supposed to last for three to five days. It hardly lasted six hours. (Although I still think it may have been an overdose when I took that one pill, because it felt like overdose nausea. Not regular nausea, not dehydration nausea, not gassy nausea, not stomach flu nausea, and not nausea from a hangover, but definitely felt like overdose nausea) don't ask me how I know the differences between the nausea feelings, my body can just feel the difference. And yea I have felt overdose nausea a few times. It wasn't a BAD overdose to where I needed to be hospitalized but I did get sick. The first time I think I was eight, mom gave me too much that day, on top of having taken one medication for the flu I took cold medicine and then had a ton of cough drops. Ended up puking up on the hallway floor. The second time was actually last year, I missed one of my BC pills and the doctor said its okay to take the one you missed with the next one, or as soon as you remember. So I found out the hard way that taking them within 4 hours or less of each other my body doesn't like it and I get sick. I got nausea occasionally with my acne medication too but it wasn't the same feeling. The worst nausea to me has to be hands down an overdose nausea. I'd rather have a hangover! Maybe I'm just weird being able to tell the different feelings, but its true! But I took an anti nausea pill this morning to get it in my system and help out. They switched a few of mine because I couldn't swallow one, so now I have a dissolve version of it, they said that the pill usually tastes bland but this one that I have tastes fruity. Haha! Mm I'm drinking some mint green tea that I got from one of the nurses that comes by to give drinks/food to patients during infusion. It's pretty good, but its no matcha tea soy latte. Obsessed with the stuff lately. I've gotta be careful with it though because I think the soy is helping me gain weight xD I gained 3 lbs. But that might be because I'm back to eating normal again too. So we will see how this weeks infusion goes.. So far it's going well. Just finished all my premedications and working my way through my second chemo bag (the red devil, or as I like to refer to it as my fifteen minutes of fruit punch, I want to think positively about it!) so far I'm feeling good. Had a cup of soup and my tea, crackers and chips. I'm sitting next to an elder couple and they are absolutely adorable. The husband (whose getting his chemo) keeps asking his wife if I am eating anything and how I'm holding up. I think it's really really sweet of him, especially since he looks like he's in worse shape than I am! He shouldn't be so worried about a stranger, but it makes me really hopeful to meet someone so caring like that. I just hope his treatment goes well! He's getting extra premedication infusions because his blood work I guess came back very low. But we're survivors and we will both get past it! Maybe some worse than others but hey we will still survive and push through. Just another hour left it seems! Then I should be good to head home. Lets hope the nausea is good and gone! After this treatment all my hair should be gone. Gonna be fun, I already feel much colder haha! Well hopefully today doesn't go as bad as the last time. We will see. I'll also find out later today what my new work schedule will look like in a month or two. Hopefully I don't get moved from 25 hours to 20 hours. But there's not many 25 hour spots and I'm one of the last folks to put in their request today. So. Hopefully good luck you know?? Haha my pee is red-pink! Sorry had to say it. Still find it funny to see. Ugh I've got a slight headache, side effect unfortunately of the anti-nausea meds. But manageable.. That reminds me the other day I had lunch with Bobby, Kacie and Zach over at chandler mall and we ended up doing some shopping. Kacie had to have Zachs ring finger sized for his wedding band (their getting married in October) and so Zach ended up somehow convincing Bobby to get his finger sized. 8.5 I have to remember that since Bobby wants a unique type of wedding band, and its going to end up being custom made because its not something you can just pick up at a jewelers. It's a wooden ring! I saw a guy once at work with a solid black wooden ring with intricate designs, and mentioned it to Bobby and ever since he's wanted to get one so badly. Rosewood with a gray maple thin stripe or crisscross. Since he won't be reading these blogs till my treatment is over, he won't know what I'm saying unless his mother or sister mentions it to him, he's already aware that I'll be getting one for him eventually, just not when or what design. I'm kind of thinking of surprising him with it on our two year anniversary but since its a wedding band I'm iffy on that. He won't be able to wear it till we get married so, I don't know if I just want to surprise him with it come that day in the future. Eh we will see, maybe I'll surprise him with something else, I don't think that Alaskan cruise will be happening next year so that's not much of an option. I'll figure something out! Maybe a weekend at a romantic getaway here in Arizona, maybe somewhere in flagstaff or payson. Might be something we could do! I will have to look into it. It also depends on if I've had surgery or not that month. I don't know if my surgery will be in January or February. If so maybe I can do the trip before the surgery. Ah well.. I'm sleepy so I think I'm going to take a nap! But yea that's what's been up lately :) ill probably post again today or tomorrow depending!

A little late

So it's been almost a week since I posted last! Sorry I've been kind of busy trying to go to work and then resting most of the time because I'm so tired. Lately I've been feeling pretty good and back to normal almost. I've noticed that my hair is starting to slowly fall out. O.o I'm going to probably have to wear a wig in another month here. My emotions seem to be back to normal now that I stopped taking my Ativan for nausea since I'm no longer feeling nauseous these days. And I can eat normally! Sort of! There are some foods I can't stomach still (never eat a tuna sandwich the day of chemo. JUST AVOID IT. I will probably never touch a tuna sandwich again! Ugh just thinking about it makes me sick) I discovered the benefits of Matcha Green Tea and am now drinking the stuff like an addict (it's seriously good, least to me. Most people I hear think its gross) I've read that at least 3 cups of green tea per day can reduce breast cancer risk by 50%. Granted I've already got breast cancer, but it may help with reducing my reoccurrence risk. Also it promotes apoptosis, where your cells commit suicide to prevent unnecessary cells from continuing to grow and divide, this turning into cancer cells. The more I promote my body's apoptosis the better! Ha! I also read that iodine promotes it as well but I'm not 100% sure on that one.. I got my blood work results on Wednesday (watched them pull the blood from my chest because you know that's not creepy at all) all my results were normal save for my immune system which was a little low, but not enough to where I was still in normal range! I still have to wear a mask at work, but for the most part I'm okay so far which they thought was unusual xD I should've been lower than I was! But hey my diet must be working well with my body! The chemo is working though. The one week of downtime was proof of that and my now falling out hair is another sign of proof. I could've gone to comicon darn it! Oh well..  I am a little upset over the fact were doing our shift bid next week and I have chemo scheduled that day so I have to have someone else bid for me. Problem is that they, I guess reduced the 25 hour slots, and some of us 25 hours might be taken to 20. My contract says 25 hours! I do not want 20!!! Siigh work life. We will see what happens I guess. This week was just normal for once. I've had more energy, no need for medications, eating well and etc. The 10th is my next chemo treatment and I am dreading it! I don't look forward to feeling sick but I have hope my medications will keep the nausea away. Bobby has been coming over keeping me company most of the time, sometimes though he will need his guys night! Like this weekend he went camping without me :'( Oh well I had to work and I still have to be careful. So I've been doing some artwork and relaxing drinking my Matcha Tea! I've also been having Alaska on the brain and cruises. I would love to go on an Alaskan cruise sometime. Considering maybe next year for our two year anniversary? I don't know I'll have to see how much I can save up. My parents spent about 5,000 on their trip and I don't make enough to save up that much that fast, at least not when I have bills to pay. So it'll be interesting to see if we can go or not. One of my friends at work was talking to me about how his good friend just passed away suddenly and it made him realize just how short life is and to see how I'm holding up, and that I am one of the toughest girls he's ever met for being able to fight through this and keep going with a smile. I'm not so sure I would say I'm the toughest girl he's ever met, cancer isn't easy and I do have my breakdowns. Half the time I pretend its not really happening (save for my diet I always try staying on check with that like this morning Ashley brought cupcakes to work like she does almost every weekend and I had to struggle not to eat one of those bite sized cupcakes!) which helps make it easier on me, it helps me come to terms with hey I have cancer. Okay well I'm not going to let it get to me and I am going to live my life as normal as possible. But my friend was right about life being short and that you can't take anything for granted, that you have to seize the opportunity to live rather than letting it slip through your fingers the next day. As he put it, one day with a person brings so much joy and is so much better than if they never existed at all. So I am trying to live everyday like its my last (within reason) still though I can't wait for this to be all over with. I am sad that kids may or may not be an option for me in the future (unless they finally have stem cell babies available!) but I've got ten more years to think about that I guess. Bright side about it is, I'll have all the years to save up and prepare for it rather than starting off unprepared and financially unstable for a child. I guess I'm just going to end up being the friend who spoils her friends babies ;) (watch out Kacie! I'm hyping up your babies on sugar and handing them back to you bahahahaha) :) so yea that's pretty much been my week. Not too interesting this time around. Just normal save for the fatigue. :D 

Day 6

So day 6 of chemo. I'm starting to feel much better in terms of nausea. This morning wasn't so great, and I ended up calling in sick to work thanks to a bad headache, fatigue and a bit of nausea. But luckily as the day has progressed I've gotten better. Problem is with the nausea is anything can cause it at any second. My body odor is definitely one of them. With Chemo your body chemical odor changes, so rather than the somewhat pleasant smell you've become accustomed to, it's a nasty putrid chemical smell. Mix that in with my natural lemongrass deodorant overtime and it makes me feel sick.. I think I almost knocked Bobby out yesterday after a couple hours after washing. (That's shocking) Chemo is not fun. I would not advise it on anyone unless you 100% need it. It doesn't help my emotions are a bit off today too. Not so much as the other day but I am a little sad. It seems like all my friends have gone off to comicon today (including Bobby himself) which I mean I told him to go without me since I knew I couldn't with chemo and hitting large crowds unnecessarily is a big risk to my health. I don't want to end up hospitalized because I caught a cold at comicon when it could've been avoided. Still I feel like I'm missing out. There's apparently a Tardis there!! And Bobby's phone "apparently" has no signal so I receive maybe one text or a small group of texts once every two hours. Sigh. Wish I could be there instead of at home healing from the effects of this treatment. It doesn't help that I've had some major craving lately either, the current one being wedding cake! I mean really??! Wedding cake?! Lol! Specifically I think I want a piece of that strawberry one from Jessica's wedding. That was really good! I'm also craving a loaded baked potato and steak which I don't think is a good idea to eat right now.. You'd think I was pregnant with all this. At least I have yet to experience the hot flashes. I guess it just sucks honestly, I read a lot of breast cancer survivor stories about these women who either attempted to juggle between their chemo life and their normal life or had to succumb to their chemo life and put everything else on hold. That's not something I want to do. I mean I just got a notice of a job opening at my work that they haven't had opened for YEARS. And they just now opened up four positions. I have always WANTED that job if I ever went down this career path (which I did) I applied to it but now I'm worried because of my disease I won't be considered for the position. It's disheartening, because the one time they bring it back I get sick! If I even get considered I'm going to fight my hardest to get the position. I'm not going to let having cancer stop me from progressing my career! I just hope they take some time to consider hiring for the job though since it requires training for at least 3 months in two different states. That might be difficult to do with chemo. But damnit I want that job position so bad! Sigh overall I don't think this has been a great year. Heck id say this is the worst year of my life. Maybe this is just something I deserve, or God is trying to teach me a lesson. I don't honestly know and I've been searching for answers. It's not fun having thoughts of dying cross your mind. Especially when you've hardly accomplished anything in your life. I honestly wish parts of my life had been different. But it's too late to change that. I can only move forward. Sigh I just hope I can live to be 93! Sometimes I just want to curl up and cry, sometimes I do. Crying is healthy you know? I wish I could be on the beach right now with my eyes closed, toes in the sand and all this either behind me or some nightmare that didn't exist.. C'est la vie.

Day 5 chemo

So yesterday was not my best day. Something about the nausea medicine took a real big dump on my emotions. I was very depressed last night and half way into this morning. I think I might've scared a few people.. Either that or its the Chemo. It's one of those side effects that isn't mentioned as often as the hair loss and nausea. Yes they mention depression but more associated with the fact you have cancer and have to cope.. But not so much of "oh hey" on top of being emotionally unstable because you just got bad news you may be more emotionally unstable because of all the medicine were pumping into your system! So yea. I was very upset last night and I could only sleep it off it seems. I guess my Mom talking about the future just really got to me somehow. Usually thinking about that stuff doesn't get me that depressed or upset. I was so upset I hardly wanted to even talk to Bobby about it, which never happens. I usually talk to him about everything and anything. I don't know. I'm feeling better now but that doesn't mean it won't hit me again later. I tried going to work today, seemed to work the first half and then the nausea hit me the last half of the day. That wasn't fun at all. I felt pretty useless which of course made me upset this morning. I ended up passing out after eating some soup when I got home and slept from 11-3. So a four hour nap? I had to eat something just to get the energy to get up. Bobby came over to see me, looking silly in his vest I bought him valentines day. He still refuses to shave. Mom and Dad thinks he's starting to look like a guy from duck dynasty. Lol I laughed because that's exactly what his Mom said! I guess I can say that this hasn't been the best month. My cousin has been in the hospital for the last few days and is in pretty bad condition. We've been praying for him and so far its been working. The reasons are personal, so I didn't want to share it on the blog until we had a better prognosis on how my cousin was doing. It appears that my cousin will make it, so that's really good news! He's got us worried over here in Arizona. Family's important, especially to me. I just hope that its nothing but good news from now on! All the bad news is starting to wear on me, as obviously it did last night even if that was an effect from my medications and the chemo. I really hope I don't get an emotional ride like that again. Last night REALLY sucked. I just hope this exhaustion passes soon too. I don't like feeling this tired. Granted I'd take it any day over the nausea. But the depression has got to go. I'm sure it's got my parents and Bobby worried, especially when I suddenly start crying for no reason at all. But I am CERTAINLY not taking anymore drugs to treat side effects of a side effect! I mean that's just ridiculous. Sigh. Hoping this flies by and is over and done with soon. Sorry for worrying people! Please don't be worried I'm struggling, but that's part of the process of all this. It's just the constant struggle of life. I think I'm going to get to bed now so I can go to work. Goodnight! 

Day 3-4 of Chemo first treatment: future fears

Sorry I've been late on posting. I missed yesterday's because I was so weak floating in and out of consciousness. I got new prescription Ativan, and it keeps my anxiety levels down as well as the nausea. It's been a blessing to me so far both on swallowing it and the effect it has on my body. Only problem is it keeps me sleepy. Which resting is good for my body but I do need to move around and exercise to keep up my muscle mass. I hardly ate anything last night other than some baby food. The night before I had some chicken soup with bobby here. Still haven't passed a bowel movement in days (I know gross but it happens with these medications) I drank a glass of prune juice last night and this morning some applesauce prune juice oatmeal. Hopefully it'll get my stomach moving otherwise the nausea could potentially get worse from constipation. Ugh sucks. So far today my nausea has been good and under control thanks to the new pill. And I was able to eat a small portion of food from chipotle. It was so good I wanted more but I have to take it easy. So I'm eating small bowls of it every few hours. I realized that tortilla wraps are delicious and I can eat those for sure. Probably gonna end up getting more of that later this week. One odd thing I've been noticing this week other than my moms constant start of arguments about anything and everything (this morning it was the famous toilet seat argument) she's been pestering me about Marrying Bobby. She's said it three times now in the last two days, "You have to eat and get better so you can look well for your wedding day with Bobby" "You have to live to get to marrying Bobby after chemo." And I'm just like.. The man hasn't even proposed yet and your already planning the people attending the wedding Mom?? Lol at this moment yes I'd be ecstatic if Bobby proposed. I'd be halfway to heaven if he did, but I know for a fact he won't. He has his own plan for all this and I've got to suck it up and wait. Right now I'm too weak to care about any of that anyways.. If it happens it happens but thinking about when, if or ever it happens either puts my hopes up or makes me extremely depressed and that's not something I should be thinking about during all this. I should be focused on getting better and holding on. Regardless of if we're engaged or not Bobby is still there with me holding my hand as much as he can and he for sure wants to marry me (he told me so last night) his reasons for waiting is just something I have to constantly be patient about. One reason why I don't like thinking about it but mom has been bringing it up a lot lately. I think Bobby watching after me has made her realize he's the real deal and he's not one to back down or run away from someone he loves. I love him so much. He's an amazing man and I'm so lucky to be his lady. At this point though I told him he can get me a cheap 100$ ring and propose to me while I'm sick in bed and i'll still say yes, but he says that's not romantic enough, not his style. (but sweetie I can't go rock climbing in this state!) I don't know what he's waiting for to be honest but I hope it's a good reason other than the fear of what others think.. But he has his reasons I guess. My Moms already got the money ready in savings for the wedding.. I know for sure it's at least 20,000. But possibly 30,000. I just really want to look forward to picking out the dress with my Mom, Mother-in-law and sister-in-law. I think that's one of the biggest moments I want to experience during the wedding process. It brings a tear to my eye just thinking about being able to have a happy moment like that. I guess I'm just a sucker for happy memories, biggest reason why I look forward to my wedding day with Bobby. (Its going to happen eventually dangit! Just might take time since I refuse to be the one to propose. That's his job! So I must be patient even if I don't want to be) other than the honeymoon night ;) just walking down that aisle and staring at his reaction. That's the best moment you can have at your wedding day. Is for the bride to see her grooms reaction to her as she walks down the aisle. I kind of hope he starts crying xD I dunno. When I was growing up I never wanted to be a bride, or get married or have kids. But when you meet someone that makes you want all that and more you just can't stop yourself from thinking about it. I never had placed such thought into a wedding day as much as I have with Bobby. Sure in the past I'd watch wedding shows for entertainment, but never did I bring up all the details of the wedding or go out of my way to look at magazines for dresses, color themes, etc. (granted I did a lot of this due to Kacie getting married) We discuss our theme from time to time, the food, clothes, entertainment, the venue. I have no clue if its just to amuse me or himself that we occasionally talk about it. I've pretty much died down about talking about it though until today because it makes me very depressed because I'm still waiting for his move. I still get upset when people ask when the big day is. And thats because I don't know, and i start to doubt and it gets so upsetting to think its never coming. (Thanks pessimistic side of my brain) Everyone around us are getting engaged or married and it makes no sense to me when I can tell we're more prepared for it, but yet were still waiting. I guess I just get so paranoid with all this life and death situations thrown at me that I just view life as short and that anything important should be done before it can no longer be experienced. To me marrying Bobby is very important. Being with him is very important to me. I can't explain why in words how important he is to me, or how important he is to my life. He's just grown on me that way. Like he's the other half of myself that I never thought I'd find, because I thought I had lost that half once before. I realize that Bobby is more a part of me than any one that's ever come into my life. I imagine us growing old together and being that old couple in the park feeding pigeons and reminiscing our life together. I guess that's just my biggest goal there, to make it to that park bench with Bobby, all old and grumpy grown up. Haha! Still I kind of wish my Mom hasn't brought that stuff up. It always puts me in a bad mood because I can't plan on it now. Can't count on it right now. I can't tell what Bobby has planned or if he has anything planned. When we first started dating ill admit I gave him a one year time limit. If he wasn't sure he wanted to marry me by one year we move on. He's getting older and so am I and time is short. I don't want to waste 3 years of my life based on lies and broken promises, but the real thing. I didn't want to waste another 3 years of my life waiting on someone who'd never make up their mind. It's not that hard to tell when someone's holding back, its hard to know when to let go of that person holding back. But I can see Bobby and know he's the real deal for me, and that with him I don't really need a time limit (of course I'm not very patient with wanting to be his wife so I'd prefer not to wait 2-5 more years!) still its frustrating when you don't know if its going to happen or not. It's a fear.. Right now my biggest fear and the one that holds me back at times. I want to be with Bobby the rest of our days, and I can only hope he feels the same way. Still it makes me anxious not knowing. But again I've gotta get over it. Ha sorry for ranting! The new Ativan medicine they have me on makes me chatty and thinky plus sleepy and just out of it. I probably should go take a nap.. But so far today seems better than the last three days. Ugh here's to hoping!